A page of a passing poet.

On Losing Friends Again

2011-11-08T20:04:00.002+08:00

These couple of years.

It seems I've lost friend after friend.

It's beginning to convince me that somehow, there's something desperately wrong with me.

At first it was easy to make excuses.

They were young, immature, bitchy, they just couldn't handle me etc.

But this time.

What excuse can I come up with?

And with Arino?

What excuses were there for that?

I thought I'm a better person now.

Nary the same person I was back in secondary school.

But I'm wrong ain't I?

I had everything going for me.

And it was all so perfect.

Had to ruin it all by being an idiot.

And this thing in me.

It isn't the first time people have freaked from it.

I need to get cured.

Kiro, Ian. Everyone.

They have got to go.

Only then maybe It will go too.

I don't want to lose you.

It's only recently that I've felt alright again.

Even with the scars crystal left behind.

I thought maybe in time to come, given awhile to heal, I'd be ready to move on again.

You gave me the touch I craved so badly, and made me feel secure, wanted.

I could be myself around you, and if that means wild changes depending on which personality I took on,

You understood, and accepted me for who I am.

I don't want to lose a friend.

Maybe I am that fucked up afterall.

Sick and tired.

If only it was really that easy to get a .45 in Singapore.

The Animal Inside

2011-11-08T11:09:00.003+08:00

The Animal Inside

Whiskey bottles by the table side,

A bit of wind blowing thru the windows wide

The cold sheets are talkin' bout 'em memories

Times we used to call us "You and Me"

We were shots on fire burning fast and free

The heat of our vendetta plain for all to see

Should have held you close should have held you tight

I guess I should've made sure things would be alright

So run, baby, run.

From the beast that I am

Run, baby, run

You have all the reasons to

Never turn back

Or look around

I won't be coming back again

You don't need a guy

Who would hurt you like that.

.45 round fit in the chamber

Russian roulette seems just fine

See guys like that don't need to see the sunlight

Maybe it's better he's gone forever

Tear out my mind

Wash it clean with sodium hypochloride

Rip my insides and lay them on the floor

For the world to see,

The beast inside me

So run, baby, run.

From the beast that I am

Run, baby, run

You have all the reasons to

Never turn back

Or look around

I won't be coming back again

You don't need a guy

Who would hurt you like that.

So run, baby, run.

From the beast that I am

Run, baby, run

You have all the reasons to

Never turn back

Or look around

I won't be coming back again

You don't need a guy

Who would hurt you like that.

-Justinian, in dedication to Emma

On Finding Your Soulmate

2011-11-03T02:58:00.002+08:00

This is long overdue.

Should have written it so many months ago.

But I guess now, more than ever, I'm ready.

Girl,

I miss you.

And I've been a fool for these past years, trying to find someone who would fill up the empty space you left in my life when you left.

All this time, looking for someone to complete me.

And it finally took a good friend of mine to make me realise the person who would complete me was you.

I treated you terribly when we were together.

I didn't gave you my all, even when you were my world.

I had chances aplenty to do that. To show you how much I loved you.

But I didn't.

And now, almost 3 years down the road and reminiscing on those days, I would travel back in time and beat up the guy who I was.

I cannot change the past.

But I can decide the future.

I've lived 3 years, with the mistake of losing you as a burden upon my shoulders.

A guilt I lived with, every single day, remembering that once in my life, I had it all, and didn't treasure it.

They say you never miss the water until it's gone.

Well, I sure miss it.

I will not lie, these past years, I've gone out with quite a number of girls.

And at the end of everyone of them, I look back only to realise that each and everyone of them resembles you in one way or another.

I think of you time and again, but have never looked back because I wasn't ready to enter your life again.

There is so much more I can say in this, but I could write a million more words, and they would not be enough to tell you what I want to.

And so I leave with this final note.

Girl?

I'm coming back into your life.

Because you're the one girl that I love,

The girl I could never get over.

The one girl I can look into the eyes, tell her she's the most beautiful person in the world, and not have a single thought in my head tell me otherwise.

No more being a retard.

No more being a douchebag.

No more cowardice.

This time.

I'm going all out for you.

I'm ready girl.

A new Justinian.

One who'd treat you right.

Love you like you should.

You wait for me gal.

I'm coming.

Just you wait.

On Magenta Skies

2011-10-20T01:11:00.002+08:00

There's million thing I want to tell you.

These words I'd never say.

But yea...

I have a crush on ya. :/

Again.

On Sunny Sundays & Picnic Baskets

2011-10-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

Waiting is such an excruciating feeling.

Especially when you miss that person.

I'm laughing at my silliness.

There's probably some reason to this.

But that's beyond me at the moment.

We went out yesterday to film my ORD vid.

The vid itself, didn't turn out as good as I wanted.

Impromptu and unprepared, it was terrible.

Unclean and messy. The scorching sun killed me before I could even finish the second set.

Had to rest and call it a day.

But the day itself was amazing.

I realise I can stare into her eyes, and get lost in em.

She has beautiful eyes.

And a beautiful smile.

Seth spoke to me about her when we headed on to smoke.

In his own words, he basically told me to treasure her, and that she was a good catch.

This coming from the usually critical Seth, meant alot to me.

En liked her tonnes too.

Too bad the evening ended in a pretty bad shape.

Exhausted myself and started overthinking stuff again.

Ended on an awkward note.

Didnt realise she didnt exactly return my hug and kiss when I left.

Didnt realise it would affect me more than I thought.

Peng & Cara might have a second shot at their RS again.

I'm happy for them.

Peng knows how to handle himself.

I won't need to interfere with that.

Plus, think I'm caught up enough with my own state of affairs to worry about others.

I seem to have a writer's block at the moment.

Nothing seems to come out even when I want to write something.

No songs, no poems, no stories.

Nothing.

And with my body in a beat up shape, sun burns and strains, I can't dance today either.

No writing, no dancing. Pretty means I have no way to vent off what I want to say :/

Go figure.

Imperfections

2011-10-16T18:35:00.003+08:00

You look in front of you.

You see him staring.

His million imperfections.

You want to tell him so badly how much you hate him.

You want to cuss at him.

That he irks you.

You want to scream that you're so tired of all his crap

And his insecurities.

Wish that you could let him know he really doesnt do anything right.

That he's not the smart ass he thinks he is.

That he needs to stop living in his own little fairytale.

That the world doesnt need heros.

That heros die.

And are forgotten.

Sometimes, you think he isn't that bad.

But other times, he's absolutely terrible.

Sure, he tried hard to be better.

But trying hard is hardly ever enough.

It's not enough.

You wish someone, anyone, would slap him and let him know how silly and naive he can be at times.

And secretly. You wish he'd just go away.

You would tell him all this.

But you cant.

And so you smash the mirror in front of you.

On Busy Rains

2011-10-07T18:04:00.002+08:00

Busy Rains

Evening rains and thunder claps

Watch the scene as the minutes lapse.

Darkened skies and a magenta cloud

Noise of the monsoon symphony loud

Muddy shoes and quickened steps

The city on its endless laps

Lightning strikes and cold winds blow

As everyone hustles down below.

The City Lights and Headlamp Streets

Tired faces as the rush hour peaks

None a moment spared to see

Nature's beauty as it rages free

-Justinian

2011-10-02T14:31:00.002+08:00

To say that the past week has been an adventure to me, would be a gross understatement.

I removed my wisdom teeth on Tuesday, and spent the entire of the week sitting at home and basically doing nothing cause I jaw just simply hurt.

At very least, it has been a culinary experience for me.

My gosh, you have no idea how much people take chewing for granted.

It's a godsend gift people.

Chewing gives you something to do while ur eating. It helps you bring out the flavours of your food.

It also (as I have thus realised) convinces ur body ur full.

Having been on a very largely liquid diet the past 5 days, I can tell you this much, you can eat a bowl of rice and be full, but drink 3 bowls of blended porridge, and you'd still feel hungry even though your body tells you you're not.

And yes, blended porridge is absolutely horrible.

But yes. The lack of teeth aside, I'm gonna give myself only until Tuesday to rest.

After that, I've a serious load of catching up to do on both my fitness and my dance choreo.

I've less than 2 weeks left before the actual filming.

I have the choreo down, but actually doing it now that my body is weakened, is another thing altogether.

I can still see the stitches sticking out from my inner cheeks.

There's something VERY unnerving about seeing something man-made coming out from you.

Spooks me out.

Otherwise, I'd be out dancing today already.

Hmph. Cant wait to get them removed.

On Starletta

2011-09-25T23:58:00.003+08:00

Starletta

You can run. You can hide.

You can snarl and keep it locked inside.

There's the hate, where's the pity?

Tonight you just wish things weren't shitty.

All the anger. All the pain.

Can we not do this all again?

That's enough, but there's more

You're sick and tired to your core.

Keep your words. Keep your tales.

I've heard better from the whales.

She was right, he was wrong.

But the story is just way too long.

Call it Hope. Call it Fate.

Hope they don't find out all too late.

Make a promise, do a dare.

When did they really even care?

-Mizukira

On Losing Friends

2011-09-24T08:09:00.002+08:00

I lost a friend last night in Cherie.

So now, as I sit here on a brand new day, heart heavy but with a mind cleared.

I'd pen down what I need to.

If I look back to yesterday...

And someone asked me if I had any regrets.

Truth to be told.

Not many.

While I definitely could have handled certain situations better,

I ultimately did myself justice last night.

Spoke to Randall and Brandon afterwards.

Needed assurance I wasn't as fucked up as I felt.

Bless them, they assured me they prolly would have done the same put in the same situation.

I explained the entire night, as truthfully as I could to them, trying not to withhold and/or cover up any mistakes I could have made.

And that's when it hit me.

I've changed since Crystal.

It still wasn't as obvious during Arino's episode.

But if anything, yesterday was proof that I'm no longer that bratty kid who'd run around pleasing others.

I grew up, and in how Sunit would phrase it- "Grew some balls"

I'm proud and I'm dignified.

And just cause a friend is taking me for granted, I ain't gonna mop around, hang my head low with tail between my legs asking for forgiveness.

I spent an evening yesterday looking about for a place to help her with her shoot.

Fretted over what I needed to bring, what I needed to prepare, when we should do it.

We agreed to meet at 10, but at 9:43, she texted me telling me she overslept.

I was rilled up at that, I won't deny that much.

But I didn't blame her, told her to chill, get her make up done, look pretty and take whatever time she needed to get over to where we were supposed to meet.

We finished the shoot and blah blah the day went on.

Evening comes around, tired as I was, I offered my help to do her editing for her.

She did spare a thought for me, asking me to rest cause I was that tired.

Bless her for that.

But as I asked her for a favour, it's like the entire world flipped on its head and decided to do belly flops.

I explained to her that while I enjoyed the day, it would probably be wiser for her not to ask Crystal out along next time we met.

Me and Crystal... We have a history. Jeez, we used to be together, and ultimately, she's started "dating" her current boyfriend while we were both in an rs. Put in an extreme, that's pretty much cheating to me.

And all I asked for Cherie was that she be sensitive enough to realise it's pretty much awkward for me to be hanging around Crystal. I just ain't ready for that.

And boom.

She basically threatened to tell Crystal what I just told her-in-confidence.

I was aghast. I mean, wait, wasn't this girl my friend? Why would you threaten to do something like that when I only asked you to be sensitive?

And then I decided (with or without my schiz's influences, it doesn't matter, it's ultimately still me), you know what, fuck this. She wanted to angst, I was gonna let her angst. I simply didnt have the strength to fight it. And so I walked away.

She blamed her split personalities for her attitude towards me yesterday.

I didn't lose anything playing my hand out in the open last night.

Threw my last ace, walked away a free man.

I don't regret last night.

And I like who I've become.

2011-09-21T11:08:00.001+08:00

So I looked at my previous post and laughed my head off.

Goddamn I'm such an emowastesob.

Like some 14 year old whining in desperation.

Anyhow, it's back to norm for me. More break lessons today, possibly looking for my own camcorder soon.

Choreo's not moving, so I'm gonna work on that too.

Perhaps a swim later.

Gotta keep my body fit.

Hm.

2011-09-18T20:18:00.002+08:00

I'm a lonely son of a bitch.

Wish I had somebody to love.

Rather.

Wished somebody loved me.

But no.

I ain't going out to look again.

50th has got to be special.

I promised myself that.

Until then, its empty beds and mellow nights for awhile.

On Starting the ORD Video

2011-09-17T22:37:00.002+08:00

Huff Puff.

So darn tired.

Spent the night choreographing for my ORD video.

Forgot how tiring and difficult it is to choreograph.

All my physical and mental energy and only about 3 8s done.

While I have the choreography down,

My actual execution of the dance is still really off.

Worrying too much about the steps and not listening enough to the music.

Ended up being really off tempo and looking ridiculous.

The red bull I drank hardly helped.

Hmph.

Either way, I only have about a month left to get this right.

The pressure's on.

Gonna finish another 2-3 8s tomorrow.

At this rate, I should be able to start practicing the whole thing by next thursday or so.

Hmm...

On Leaving the Force

2011-09-16T18:22:00.002+08:00

If freedom tastes so sweet,
Why is it that as I sit here, with only 5 working days left before I get it,
I don't feel an explosion of anticipation.
Instead...
I feel almost sad.

This place. This office.
Has been my home for the past 22 months.
In here, I met people who have changed my life beyond my wildest dreams.
I used to be a gamer, who'd sit around all day long, for 5-16 hours a day just immersing myself in an online world that doesn't exist.
Now?
Even though I still game sometimes,
I spent even more time doing other stuff, like swimming, dancing and heading out with friends for whatever reasons.

It's in this dusty little office that I found my passion for dance and then in the same place decide it would be my career.
It changed my life.
I'm now fitter and alot stronger physically.
But beyond that, I matured into who I am today here.
I know who I am now, although still flawed and with a few things about myself I still want to change,
I generally like who I've become.

Armour NSC.
I used to hate this place.
It meant work.
It meant facing reality that I wasn't a warrior.
That because I was suffering from psychosis, I couldn't carry a gun, I couldn't defend my country.
I still am embarassed to be a clerk.
But for whatever reasons I was here, I made it worth the while.

Now as I leave this place...
I leave as a man.
No more the child I was.
My future is in my hands.
Each decision would affect it in ways I might not see.
No more "extras" for mistakes.
If I screw up in life, I have to deal with more severe punishments.

I'd miss the army.
In whatever ways I have contributed to it...
It has been my honour....
To serve my nation.

On Stories & Chapters

2011-09-15T13:51:00.002+08:00

Chapters old and chapters new
50 first dates but not until.
Picked up a pen, the words still flow
The blue on white with each blank row.

Lessons learnt and passing tides
Monsoon winds on joyous rides.
A blur of motion, the body moves.
As music surrounds the soulful grooves.

Chapter closed and chapter start
The performance of which I have a part
Clock struck two, the time to act
My decision made, there's no going back.

- Mizukira

The second wave

2010-02-08T13:15:00.001+08:00

Do you remember when your lips streaked across mine?
Below my place, what was going on in my mind
The taste of you still reminds me of that day
Locked and sealed in a time far away

It's been almost four years since we fell apart,
The last joyride we spent heart to heart
Bittersweet when you called me up that night
It's almost too late but that guess that's alright

Now I'm caught up thinking once again
Of a past I thought I left in the rain
Obbligato to the beat of our pulsing veins
Everyone's driving in their little lanes

So you made me wait on bait so small
But I'd take it anyway before I fall
Because your laughter came into my dreams
Last night in a cold bed across my waking streams.

The Dark and Darker.

2009-12-31T14:52:00.000+08:00

The Dark and Darker.

In the silent darkness hue
Faintest quiver of morning dew
Look beyond the stars tonight
And spark the fires shining bright

Take my hand and come with me
I'm no light but least I'm free
Maybe all you need to fight the dark
Is for Darker to be your mark

-Kiroshinoke, for Germaine.

Holding on

2009-12-29T17:47:00.004+08:00

Holding On

The waves retreat as shorelines clear
Reminds you of what you once hold dear
Can you hold on as the tides recede
And drag you onwards to defeat

Keep on walking and don't look back
For you'd only see the lonely shack
As sprites around you dance and sing
Remember it's only just a fling

Hold on to the shaking mast
Before the ending comes too fast
Your heart can't decide which way to go
It was never as simple choosing so.

-Kiroshinoke

On new blog skins

2009-12-29T17:45:00.004+08:00

Desperately need a new blog skin. This one's so outdated and unsuitable its ruining my taste for blogging. Until then... *rolls eyes*

On Phuture Phail

2009-12-06T11:14:00.001+08:00

Went over to phuture and zouk last night. Absolute fail.
Neeeeeeddd to get hair.
Neeeeed to get a better bod.
Need to learn the dance codes more.
And signals too for that matter.

Ah well.

On house party banging.

2009-11-29T10:20:00.000+08:00

Great.
It's my birthday tomorrow.
But it's my brother throwing a house party yesterday night.

Says alot.

Oh and did i mention he somehow managed to bang a random?
Like. Screw the girl.

Lulz.

When am I gonna get to that stage where I dont even need to flirt to get it -.-

Perhaps it's just not my thing.
Not sure.

2009-11-27T13:21:00.002+08:00

So I decided to start tanning my body and toning it up.

Now that my shape's starting to form, I'm working on the tan in the mornings.
Managed to get a decent tan today.
Though some stupid clouds decided to get in the way and screwed the sun.

Got a random girl's number yesterday at KFC. Retardedly funny how it happened.
But oh well.

Nothing else.

Tired out from working out.
Gonna go get a nap.

Cheers.
Peace out.

On AFA'09

2009-11-22T16:27:00.002+08:00

Coming to a year now eh?

I still cant get over Dinah (I think)
So that pretty much sucks ass.
Then again,
Life sucks ass.
So yea, I guess, it should be. "So that's pretty much life."
Sounds about right.

Anywae. I headed over to AFA these 2 couple of days.
Got a few snappies (snapshots).
First day, was stupid enough not to think of bringing a camera.
Second day, was stupid enough to bring a camera without battery to it.
Screw that.
Ah well, but least I got quite a number of shots off before the batts died.
There's posted on my facebook, if anyone's interested.

Oh. Which brings back the point that I seem to have taken on a slight liking to photography, AND cosplaying.
Perhaps next time when I got like, rippling muscle tones and a nice tanned body, I'd try cosplaying. Would be so awesome. xoxo.

Did I mention the cosplay girls were hot?
Like seriously, some of them were like. Droooooooooooolllllllllll hot.
Like. D.R.O.O.O.O.L hot.
Uberage.

Oh and yes. I'm still very much single.
So screw that.

*waves to world*
Hello!
Single Available and Desperate (which ironically, spells S.A.D) guy here.
Any takers?
-.-v

peace out.

on Going to the army

2009-10-22T08:15:00.000+08:00

22nd October 2009

Entering the army in 2.5 hours. Gonna head off to Pasir Ris now.
Hope everything goes well.
Feeling nervous, tired and jittery right now
Not exactly a good sign.

I'm feeling pretty crummy that I'm gonna be entering the army single.
Didnt make much effort to find a girlfriend these past weeks.
Was thinking "Ah well, I going army, no need find."

GG.

Alright gonna head off now.
Cya peeps in 3 weeks.

xoxo

On NS in 8 days.

2009-10-14T07:18:00.002+08:00

Officially 8 days left till NS! /Worry!
Gosh! I dont know if i'm prepared or not.
Mentally I am, i think.
Physically... almost too...
But that still makes me worried.

It's time to grow up...
No more being the stupid me <_<

Hopefully NS doesnt change me too much.
I like who I am now <_<

More /Worry.

Also need to alter my body clock into lights out at 11pm, wake at 5am.
Need to start adjusting everything.
I am praying I'm not gonna crumble inside.
Argh. Everything's like on fast forward these few days.
Hope nothing goes wrong.
Panic attack.
Argh.

Even more /Worry.

2009-10-10T13:55:00.002+08:00

Went clubbing with the guys yesterday.
It was so awesome. <3
After dance, we met for Dinner at Iluma Bugis, at this... random phailrestaurant called Xin or something.
After that we headed up to the 7th floor and went into Se7en.
That place was boring as hell.
The people there were the older generation, the office girls, post army guys etc.
And noone was dancing. At all.
So after a few drinks and such we gave up and headed to Zouk.
And that.
Is where the party started.
Danced all the way from 12.30 to 3am.
Flashing lights and blasting stereos.
Even got to see avie get high.
Was a hilarious sight.
We set a date again for next friday to hit another club.
This time i'm gonna play it smart. Gonna bring a girl along to grind with.
Woot.
Already made plans and my date already said yes.
Holy Smokes <3

On "No, you never did"

2009-10-09T16:05:00.003+08:00

Wrote this today. Never really found a chance to vocalize these stuff...
My brother on the other hand did. One of his friends helped him vocalize a song.
It was amazing...
Probably will never get that chance.
Just another script for the forgotten

No, you never did

You sing songs bout the disenchanted,
All em' things you took for granted
Close your eyes, it's easier that way.
You're moving too fast and losing grip
All the things you let slip
Drown yourself in smoke that you inhale

They tell you that all good things come
You'd have to wait for maybe some
But what is there for us, who're still alive?

*She's waiting on the path you're taking
Boy, keep moving on though you're breaking
Do you believe these words you're hearing
Strong face and chest out when you're bleeding
Never no-o-o-o
Never no-o-o-o
Never no-o-o-o

In the movies, there's someone like you
He found a girl and might pull through
You kick yourself for thinking that it's true.
You walk her down the raining street
Back to the place that you need
There's no goodbye kisses in this story

They tell you that all good things come
You'd have to wait for maybe some
But what is there for us, who're still alive?

*She's waiting on the path you're taking
Boy, keep moving on though you're breaking
Do you believe these words you're hearing
Strong face and chest out when you're bleeding
Never no-o-o-o
Never no-o-o-o
Never no-o-o-o

Bridge
And she says that you're one in a million.
Dont forget you're just one of the thousands.
Theres billions of people in this world we live

*She's waiting on the path you're taking
Boy, keep moving on though you're breaking
Do you believe these words you're hearing
Strong face and chest out when you're bleeding
Never no-o-o-o

Do you believe these words you're saying
Strong face and chest out, it's just you faking
Never no-o-o
Never no...

On Midnight movie

2009-09-27T14:30:00.004+08:00

Got back home at 6.30am in the morning today.
Went for supper with the guys ytd followed by a mignight movie- Gamer.
My first M-18 movie though I've been 18 for ages lol.
Lots of tits. Rofl.
But nah, show wasn't about that.
Complicated show, and quite cool in ways.
Not the best of movies, but it isn't too bad either.

Gave the guys a briefing yesterday.
They needed it.
Everyone seemed so defeated after I left lol.
Pumped them up abit.
Stressed the importance of them standing on their own feet.
Hope it's enough.

We headed to St.James after that.
Wanted to club and dance, but Zion and ABK were in shorts and sandals, which means a no-go
Wanted to sit at a pub and drink, but Sherwin and Sean doesnt drink, which also means no-go
So in the end we walked over to the macs at harbourfront centre and talked the night through.
What was I thinking lol, bringing a bunch of addict gamers to a clubbing area. Rofl.
Well, at least there were tonnes of cute girls at the macs, most of which flooded in after 4am, likely after they finished clubbing.
Somehow, I decided to get myself a pack of cigs ytd too.
Ah well. Abit of smoke never killed anyone anywae.

Anywae, song pick for today!

Mizu's Songpick of the Day

Days Difference - "Are you happy?"

I'd give it a ... ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪

Listen to it if ... Definitely a feel good song. Catchy chorus, head-banging, air-guitaring, sing-a-long kinda song. Great track to listen to in almost any situation, with simple, easy lyrics too :)

"Quotable quotes are in red!"

You got a boyfriend
I got a girlfriend
I keep on wonderin’
Are you happy?

Where are you tonight?
Under the same sky
Wish you could tell me, tell me
Are you happy?

Lying awake and I keep hoping
That you say you’re lost and lonely

(Chorus)
I know, I know
That there’s nobody better, better
You were meant for me and I was meant for you
I still want to, want to
If you’ll have me, have me
My door is open
Hopin’ you’ll walk through

A-are are you happy?
A-are...

Where did you go then?
No way of knowin’
It was so sudden
Are you happy?

Why did I say that?
I take it all back.
Wish you could tell me, tell me
Are you happy?

Lying awake and I can’t stand it
Why should we make this so tragic?

(Chorus)

And a-are are you happy?
A-a-are you happy? (x2)
Happy, happy love

Don’t know what to believe in
Heart stops, but I’m still breathin’
I lost everything, but I’m still holding on

You’ve got a boyfriend
I’ve got a girlfriend
I keep on wonderin’
Are you happy?

(Chorus)

A-are, are you happy? (x2)
A-are, are you happy, happy, happy? Oh...

You’ve got a boyfriend

(Video embed was disabled by UMI, but do watch it @ youtube, cool video)

On Vivian, my cousin.

2009-09-23T14:02:00.006+08:00

Alright I'm back from my trip to Malaysia.
It was awesome.
In no less part thanks to my little cousin (yes, she's a girl. which is part of the reason lol)
She's 14 which means 5 years younger then me.
Yet she was the one who did what noone else could.
She made me feel alive again, and helped me get over Dinah
Yea it heard that right.
I'm over Dinah.
Seriously speaking.

The trip was what I needed for a long long long time.
A retreat from the stressed up life I lead in Singapore.
Did lots of fun things.

But possibly the highlight of the trip was my cousin.
Her name's Vivian, we call her "kay-kay"
Dont ask me why, I dont know.
Well anywae, she reminded me of alot of things I used to be in the past and somehow through the course of time forgot about.

Alright, I'd start the story from the start. 2 Years ago, when I was still flirting madly post-xen.
I went back to malaysia.
By then I had already learned the tricks of the flirting; she on the other hand just hit puberty at 11.
So when I realised she found me attractive (yes, lol, even as a cousin) I started teasing her with the touch-and-go sort of flirting. Had no interest in her though, was just being naughty and flirtatious.
She would be staring at me from somewhere, and I'd turn around and flash her a million dollar smile kinda thing, making her blush madly and scurrying to hide behind something, be it a book, table or whatever else thats in reach.
I would laugh at the point and think nothing else about it until the next time I catch her looking at me.
Later realised she was actually crushing on me.
Not that I had cared at that point of time.

So 2 years later, a couple of days ago.
I went back to malaysia, single, nursing a still-aching heart, aimless, and stressed up like mad.
When I met vivian again, half hoping she still had a crush on me.
> Fast forward abit here
The entire family, including aunts uncles and a slew of kids (each family had like 2-5 kids *rolls eyes*) went out for shopping trips and etc etc and I managed to hang out with vivian quite abit.
My brother took the lead on her though.
On a day when the kids were left in my charge to go shopping, she decided to drag us on a 6 hours shopping run. During the last hour, I still hadnt gotten anything for myself and had to go off to shop.
My bro took her out the last hour and stuff.
After that, something struck me and I realised she was alot closer to my brother then she was to me. They would play with each other, my brother tickling her and her laughing non stop. etc etc.
At a point, I went emo. "I fail, even with a cousin who had liked me to begin with, I cant even hold that attraction."

On the last night however, I managed to somehow, find an opportunity to talk to her alone.
That's a feat, considering there were 10 adult and 19 kids running around.
We spoke for sometime and it was then she opened up to me.
And then everything made sense, and that I finally felt better.
She admitted then she liked me.
That she still had a crush on me.
Sure, my brother was fun, but she found didnt find him attractive at all, and that she still liked me.
We laughed and lamented for awhile that too bad, we're blood related.
Spoke about some other stuff, like her past relations etc.
Nothing much else thats suitable for blogging out, so I'm gonna keep it a secret.

When she told me she had a crush on me, I came to realise all the tiny actions she did during the past few days I failed to notice.
And how good it had made me feel.
All the nostalgia
Naming a few,
When we went ice skating, she would always be looking for me, and since she didnt know how to skate as well as I could, I would be holding onto her, sometimes by her hand, sometimes with my arm around her waist.
Quite a few times, she almost fell and I had to hug her (had to. wasnt taking advantage of her -.- if i didnt we'd both end up on the ice).
Another situation was when she fell asleep on the car. Even though on the first hour of the trip back, she was playing with my bro, me almost totally out of the picture, she fell asleep on my shoulders- quite obviously by choice.
She also tugged at my arm and dragged me around when we were shopping.
Along with alot of other various things.
These were all parts of my past, with other girls, parts that made me happy, and made me felt loved and warm inside.
Especially part she fell asleep on me.

Sidetrack : I realised D: Given a choice between having sex with a really hot girl and having her hugging my arm and falling asleep on my shoulders, I'd choose the latter, easily, without hesitation. O_O! I'm a screwed piece of crap.

Anywae, that night we spoke, there came like, this perfect moment for a kiss.
We were on a swing- those olden wooden swings made for 2 ppl.
It was night, the wind was blowing softly
The sky was a deep purple with the stars shining softly overhead.
She was leaning on my shoulder talking.
The sound of the house was distant and faded into a harmonic background.
I knew she wanted to kiss me.
I wanted to kiss her too.
So badly. So, so badly.
Afterall, why not, she was everything I wanted and had done everything I would love for my partner to do.
But.
I didnt.
The relationship we shared was as cousins, mayhap that of cousins who had a crush on each other, but still.
Had I kissed her, things would have turned for worse.

And so here I am in Singapore, missing her.
Missing somebody for the first time in 6 months
Ah it's ironic.
But yea, things will never develope between us.
I wont let it.
But.
I'd forever remain her "kor" ("older brother" in chinese; which is what she calls me by. dont ask, every of my cousins calls me "kor")
Protecting her as far as I can.

Anywae, managed to snap some photos of myself. It shouldnt be too hard to spot her. She isnt the prettiest flower in the garden, I know. But *shrugs* none of my 34 exes ever were ;) btw, i look bad in them, -.- I had only just woken up and didnt even get a chance to shower, much less do my hair. and thats after 3 days of eating non stop, so i put on weight, again -.-

On not wanting to know

2009-09-18T09:59:00.003+08:00

She replied.
We chatted about awhile.
And now I'm feeling the worse I have in ages.
Drank more alcohol.
Needed to dull the pain.
Didn't want to think about anything.
Woke up, and although I havent heard this song in awhile, it was already playing in my head.
It's so true right now.
Thought I'd share before I break down.

**

Mizu's Songpick of the Day

Hinder - "Bliss (I don't wanna know)"

I'd give it a ... ♫ ♫ ♫

Listen to it if ... You like self-piteous post-break up songs but are sick of the usual churn-of-the-mill types that sees guys saying they made a mistake blah blah blah. This song's quite different in that sense yet has an obvious sorrow line in it.

"Quotable quotes are in red!"

(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
I'll go ahead and pour myself a drink
I really couldn't care less what you think
Well I don't have to listen now
Live this day down
If I can't feel a thing
You might as well save your goodbyes
We can give this train wreck one last ride
I'm gonna have to listen now
Live this day down
If I don't make things right
I'll tell you one last time

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
So save your goodbye kiss
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)

I woke up with a heartbeat in my head
I reached for the bottle by the bed
I saw your side was not slept in
Cold sheets again
Remind me of what you said
We need to take a break for a while
It's been so long since I smiled
I don't wanna listen now
Live this day down
With you so drunk and high
So I'll say goodbye

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't want to know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
Now I know I can't stay sober
Cause you left me here like this
I don't wanna know
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
So save your goodbye kiss
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know

On being a mistake

2009-09-17T19:56:00.002+08:00

The topic's been on my mind for awhile now and just re-emerged.
Was listening to Vanessa's Carlton's White houses a few days ago.
Almost a year ago, Dinah introduced me to the song.
Google the lyrics and you'd get why I'm feeling the way I am now.
I wonder if she meant what the lyrics said.
And if I was a mistake to her.

I know, I know, I'm not supposed to be thinking of her.
Move on.
Yea, I get it.
But the thought's been on my mind way too long right now.
To be somebody's mistake...
Wow geez, that's screwed up right down to the core.
Thrown a fair share of insults in my life.
But now that I think of it, that would probably sting more than any insults anyone can throw my way.
Texted her to ask, she hasnt replied yet, its almost 24 hours.
Maybe she doesnt want to have anything to do with me.
Or talking to me irks her. Cant tell if its either.
Really wish to know if it's really true.
Would put my delusional life into a whole new prerogative if it was.

**

Mizu's songpick of the day

Little boots - "Remedy"

I'd give it ... ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪

Listen to it if ...You like catchy dance tracks with that surprising oomph to it. This song's a stella one for those nights where you just want to go out and have fun.

"Quotable quotes! are in red"

I can see you stalking like a predator
I've been here before
Temptation calls like Adam to the apple
But I will not be caught
Coz I can read those velvet eyes
And all I see is lies

No more poison
Killing my emotion
I will not be frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
Stop stop preying
Coz I'm not not playing
I'm not frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Spin me faster like a kaleidoscope
All I've got's the floor
Yeah, you can try but I've found the antidote
Music is the cure
So you can try to paralyze
But I know best this time

No more poison
Killing my emotion
I will not be frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
Stop stop preying
Coz I'm not not playing
I'm not frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

La-da, da-da, la-da, la-da, da-da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da, la-da

And when the music fades away
I know I'll be okay
Contagious rhythm in my brain
Let it play

No more poison
Killing my emotion
I will not be frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
Stop stop preying
Coz I'm not not playing
I'm not frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

On blog down time

2009-09-17T09:55:00.001+08:00

Alright I removed that inactive picture and replaced it for awhile.
I know its still hard to read, but a new personalized blogskin is underway, check back in a few days and things shud be okay. D:!
Anywae, I'm actually amazed I get more then like 1-2 people reading the blog.
Found out that theres actually a handful of you peeps out there.
Cheers and coolios.

Off to work now, when I get back, I'd be posting something that I'd be doing now on a regular basis.
"Mizu's song pick of the day"
Will be choosing a song that I find decent enough to recommend and posting it here.
Along with that, I'd be quoting especially funny, crazy, quirky, qwerty(lulzwut?) lyrics from the song itself.

Cheers :) for now.

On Dating shadows

2009-09-08T06:24:00.002+08:00

I mentioned I'd write something. So after a few days, I finally got the inspiration to write it this morning at 6am. So here it is.

Dating Shadows

A dozen bags in the cold mall air.
Following Sheryl through another shop fair
Never used to do this on any of our days
Who really likes it anyway?

Anna's lips pressed against mine
Her warmth breath was in my mind
But she just doesn't smell the same
Could it be that I'm insane

Another 24 hours living in this nightmare
It's not what I want but I really don't care

Cause you were everything I had
But I couldnt see that
Now I'm waking up in an empty bed
Still hearing the things you said
Your Silhouette still haunts me
I just can't really break free
Trying to see you through the windows
When all I'm doing is dating shadows.

2AM and I'm awake on the phone
Julie's going on about her skin tone
What am I doing still laying here
I don't know what it is I fear

Another night spent with Rach' at the bar
So drunk I not sure what we did in my car.
She's asleep with her head on my chest
And I'm hoping I'd remember you less.

Another 24 hours living in this nightmare
It's not what I want but I really don't care

Cause you were everything I had
But I couldnt see that
Now I'm waking up in an empty bed
Still hearing the things you said
Your Silhouette still haunts me
I just can't really break free
Trying to see you through the windows
When all I'm doing is dating shadows.

Bridge :
Did you know, there's a picture of you still hanging on these walls.
It's what I have left behind of the time I had it all.
So now I'm dating shadows and chasing ghosts
Trying find someone who'd fit the most.
But I'm lying to myself because what i'm really looking for is you.

Cause you were everything I had
But I couldnt see that
Now I'm waking up in an empty bed
Still hearing the things you said
Your Silhouette still haunts me
I just can't really break free
Trying to see you through the windows
When all I'm doing is dating shadows.

All I'm doing is dating shadows
All I'm trying is dating shadows
Your shadows...

On thinking of Dinah

2009-09-05T15:39:00.002+08:00

I decided to read Dinah's blog.
No idea why, I havent done so in, months?
I guess it wasnt too good an idea.
Now a million thoughts are filling up my mind again.
I don't know what to think or how I should be feeling right now.
I'm quite sure I'm hurting, but the pain's gotten so numb that I just don't feel it anymore.
Almost a year now since it happened.

I really shouldnt be still harping on it.
I should be moving on.
I really should.

On the Life of Dance

2009-09-05T09:33:00.002+08:00

I found out Silvershoes name :)!
Not exactly sure how it's spelt though.
Sharlyn.
Sharlyn Silvershoes.
What an awesome name lol.
She seems approachable at least.
Shy-ish?
Which is VERY much different from the way she portrays herself really.
*laughs*
Randall was right lol.
I'm fantasizing.
Kuraia tells me she might be attached. Which is screwed up all over.
But oh well. I guess its probably true.
Plus, what's chances someone like that would even look my way *laughs*
Ah~ the bitter truth.

Anywae, got inspired yesterday by a conversation by the NRA peeps.
NRA's New Revolving Age, my ex-polytechnic's Dance Crew.
Decided, heck, I'm gonna start praticing dance not just once or twice a week, but as often as I can afford.
I really want to look good dancing.
I'm not too good at it.
Which is why I need to work harder than others for it.
I really want to make this work.
It's like, its rare I'm as determined as this.
Very rare.
Still, the words Randall said still stains my mind.
"Hip hop is about the 'oomph' if you got it, you got it"
What if the reason I can't do it well is cause I do not have the "oomph"?
Worrying.

Back to life.
There's a Soph meet-up tonight. Going for a steamboat and such. Hopefully gonna be cool.
Slack out with the guys, do some catching up.
Do some geeky stuff, and whatever else lol.
Hope it's gonna be fun.

On Silvershoes

2009-09-04T15:46:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I took my official leave off GE.
So after a full year, my career in the game ended.
Though not without bearing some fruit.
Managed to raise a top faction from scrap,
Managed to make a name for myself from nothing,
Managed to amass a group of gamers and teach them the truth of strength and power.
Hopefully the lessons I taught them would stick with them.

Sophistique... Is such a nice word after all.
And it's story, my story, are motivational on their own.
A story of hope, resilience and determination I guess?
That against all odds, a group of nobodies struggled through and fought on with heads held high and eventually emerged as winners.
And as I take my leave, I hope it doesnt end there, that the next generation of leaders will be able to raise the faction like I did.

Anywae, back to reality.
Tonight's dance lessons again.
Despite having "quit" gaming, I didn't get much practice in this time.
Only moderate amounts I guess?
I still dont look as good dancing as I want to.
I look... stiff.
I cant seem to find the energy I have when I DDR.
You know... the....
Proud confidence, the urge to impress, the heckcare attitude that makes you put in 110% into your dance, and knowing you'd look good doing it.
If I'm gonna do well dancing, I need to find that confidence.
But for tonight?
I'm gonna ask Silvershoes her name lol.
Been wanting to for quite some time, but never had the guts to.
Which really isnt like me at all.
She's got this... "I'm-too-good-for-you" aura around her that scares me slightly.
The waytoopretty type that guys, without at least an uber ego, wont even dare approach.
But yea... tonight, I'm gonna approach her for her name *rolls eyes*
Not that anything is gonna come out of it <_< I wont even ask her number, well... not yet anywae.
Half expecting to get the "eew" look from her ._.
Not a good sign.
Screw that >_<

Was listening to music on my MP3 today when inspiration for a song smacked me in the head

On Kisses and Hugs

2009-08-31T21:56:00.000+08:00

Went out with Hui En today for some slacking.
She has deep troubles staining her mind lol.
Wonder if I could help her.

Didnt do much, I went to dance, she watched and joined me for 2 songs.
By then, I had already danced solo for awhile, was too tired to continue and slacked while she danced.
Headed down to pizza hut to have dinner after that.
Decided to try their pasta, which was all the craze nowadays.
Didn't taste too good.
Didn't expect it to.
We talked abit.
Well... Alot actually.
Told her to find her indentity.
Hope I gave the right advice.

Realized today, Im bleeding addicted to kisses and hugs.
It drives me on, substains me, helps me stay happy.
Like. Some personal brand of heroine.
Wonder how that works.
Screw it.
Need to find a relationship to dive myself into.
Oh gawd, I'm obsessed with love.

On Gamer girls

2009-08-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

You know, this topic has been bugging my for sometime as I continue my search for love.
Of why I'm not looking for a gamer girl, since I'm a gamer myself.

Gamer girls.

Something almost every other self respecting single male-gamer(which there are an incredibly large amount of, mind you) wants, but possibly never will get.

A gamer girl- Someone who would understand that an Orc is a brutish green-skinned thickheaded warmonger, and that a raid is to a gamer like a shop-all-you-can spree is to a normal girl.

Perhaps I guess, I'm smart enough to stop dreaming about the possibilities of that. Gamer girls have an ocean of guys to choose from, heck, they dont even need to look Miss Universe, in the gaming world, a plane jane is Aphrodite when you compare it to the hoards of guys looking for someone like her. Learning to live without the dellusion that I'd be one out of the thousands of others has led me to the decision that I wont even try or hope.

*shrugs*

For that one lucky guy who DOES get her. You better treasure that, gamer girls are worth more then your account's worth in gold. Lol.

-Peace out,
Justin

Better Now

2009-07-23T10:41:00.003+08:00

Computer is still being abit crazy, but I did manage to write this short stanza at work. Really isn't much this time, but oh well. Cheers!

Better now

Time has dulled the pain
Days spent crying in the rain
You walked down memory's path
Remembered moments that made you laugh

Those sweet words she used to say
They don't hurt as much today
Broken promises left behind
Guess true love's hard to find.

Our song

2009-07-08T16:55:00.003+08:00

Was inspired this time round when listening to Taylor Swift's "Our Song" so I decided to pen this down. Hope you peeps like it :D One of my better pieces.

Our Song

We were riding on the freeway with the windows down
Doing 90 miles an hour, didn't wear a frown
We were screaming all night long till our voices ran
Waiting for the sunrise, it was perfect then

She was gazing at the distance with something on her mind
Turned around and asked me, "Baby, can we find?
Our song in cold nights and the warm days yet to come
Would we be dancing to the rhythmn of the drum?

She was staring at the horizon with thoughts in her head
Turned around and asked her, "Darling, we have instead,
Our song is the unspoken words and the silent stories shared
Playing on the guitar, the love that we declared.

She was looking at the sunset with a dreamy look again
Turned around and asked her, "Honey, we'd remain,
Our song is northern lights and the silly jokes we told
Strumming on the bass, we were feeling so bold

We were riding on the highway with no others cars around
So we pulled the hood down, the wind was the only sound
We were sitting on my front porch and she asked me what was wrong.
I said nothing I was just thinking how I loved our song.

2009-07-07T08:45:00.001+08:00

Heh, so alright, motivated by Germaine to start writing again and inspired by kimberly, here's my fresh piece of work.

Twilight

Stars above and and stars below,
The twinkling of the stars I know
The laughing shores and lapping wave
Maybe dawn would make me brave.

She's the graceful and the fair
And purest silk is her hair
Maybe a thousand miles away
But she says she's wait today.

Oh twilight breeze and moonlit sky
How I wish that time could fly
Two years down and perhaps then
I'd hold you tight until the end.

2009-07-05T21:59:00.002+08:00

And.... I'm back to blogging again.
Got kinda bored of it after awhile.

Promised kimberly to photoblog my life now,
So I shall try :D!

Wars have been boring recently now that we're one of top factions.
It was more fun when we werent <_< But I guess peace is a blessing and that I should be happy.
Worse still, this week was a supposed to be our opponent's "comeback" phase.
Got the faction all excited for war and everything and it turned out nothing happened.
Which is a real drag...

Oh well. I guess we'd just need to keep getting stronger.

2009-05-29T15:11:00.003+08:00

A whole lot of stuff happened these few weeks
Not the least of which was my grandfather's passing away.
But.
The past is the past after all, time to move on.

I realised that nowadays, I've a tendency to like the more... "bimbotic" way of life.
Like my taste for music as example. I started liking the 1990's boy/girl band songs.
Like toybox's Tarzan and Jane, bollywood-hit It's Time to disco and also not forgetting the recent trend of korean girlband music.
Life seems already too complicated and too full of trouble to dwell in deep songs with their meanings hiding behind complex lyrics and rhymes.
I find myself preferring to listen to these light hearted tracks that carry simple meanings.

Ah. Life can be so full of irony. But I already knew that.

2009-05-10T13:00:00.002+08:00

So a few more days passed with nothing amazing happening. And I'm trying to resist the urge to sit arnd and get fat. Thus, I shall dance! Got stepmania trax and am dancing it on my computer.

Stepmania is considerably harder than DDR.
More because its designed for fingers more then for you to actually dance it.
Some parts of certain songs are so continuous I could feel the strain on my muscles for it.
But nonetheless its still really fun.

Today will be officially my last war as a leader.
Last time leading the guys at soph through that tough 2 hours we fight for our pride and honour.
This time we are finally going to be able to fight Anything. Hope this all pays off in the end.

At least then,
This 8 months havent been lived in vain

On scandals and affairs.

2009-05-07T13:22:00.004+08:00

"So that kinda makes me a good bitch? ... ... ...
... ... ... Yes Justinian, I'm hot" - Amira

I promised Mira I'd feature her quote on my blog lol.
She's like uber.
Too bad for the guys out there, girl's already taken.

We chatted for hours yesterday night on the phone. It was so retarded it was funny.
Lot's of stuff really.
Like how Randall is hot and great looking and has the right social lfestyle and the fact he's single is just odd. And that he might be a closet gay (LOL).
And tonnes of other totally hilarious stuff.
Gosh I miss talking to her.

In other news, I think my flirt senses have reawaken (yeah!)
Scandalious.
Shant talk much about it though. Less the wrong people come around and see this.

On being single

2009-05-05T10:48:00.002+08:00

200th post.

Finished a series of anime called "Gantz"
Word of advice to anyone, don't watch it.
Trust me, you really really don't.

Been feeling increasingly empty of late.
Everyday passes like the one before.
I don't a reason I'm living for.
I'm alive because I'm not dead.
I'm not being emo.
It's just a thought that struck me.
And is striking me in increasingly strong bursts.
I don't have a goal in life. Nothing to aim for.
Nothing to strive and fight for.

Got my handphone back.
I guess I should be happy.
I was waiting for the incoming flood of messages I'd get from the months I've been away from the phone.
Either they all got cut off, or noone sent me anything.
Even now with my phone back, I realised I have noone to text.
It's scary to know how alone I am.

Seth said something that stained my mind ytd.
He said that perhaps, I'm afraid to be single.
I guess... he got that right.
I am afraid to be single.
Afraid to go unloved, unnoticed, uncared for.
I guess, I want to feel important. I want to know I mean alot to someone.
To know that I'm loved by her.
Maybe that's why I'm scared.

Alright. So I am kinda emo now.
Being single gets to me.
I think.

2009-04-30T12:23:00.002+08:00

Another movie on romance.
Gosh these movies are killing me on the inside.

*laughs* and yet I still come back for more everytime.
Movies like this. Makes me feel to empty and insignificant at times.
Like... I don't know... like I'm wasting my life away doing nothing important.
Which IS kinda true if you think about it.
Im sitting here, infront of a computer, wondering what the heck am I supposed to be doing, when I can be like say.. working out, or practising dance.

I really can't shake off the feeling that I'm just way too caught up in my little world.
So insignificant. Like nothing I do matters to anyone.

Ah well.

Handphone should be reconnected today or tomorrow
Really excited about it.
It's like being put in isolation for 2 months and being told you're going to get freed soon.
Gosh.
Wonder how many messages are in my inbox unread.
Wonder if Dinah texted me.
Wonder if anyone else realised I went MIA.

Ah. Too many thoughts. Too many.

2009-04-29T12:40:00.002+08:00

Re-read the previous entry, and hey I gotta say, thats possibly one of my better written attempt at a song. I realised too, I never do vocalizations for these songs. Or at least never publish them. I somehow cant feel good enough about it to hoist it up on the net where millions of haters are lurking waiting to toss shit your way. Moreover, doing acappella singing isnt as easy. Gosh I need to get to know some musicians.

Anywae, backtracking abit. My body's messed up recently. Not exactly the fittest fiddle either.
You know, looking at the amount of stuff plagueing me, Im pretty much born into a screwed-but-not-quite-horrible body. Colourblind by birth, G6PD defecient, eczema, sinus issues, and another throng of issues here and there.
I mean, its not something I'd complain about.
Not paralyzed and everything so thats fine.
But it does stop me from doing alot of things and hamper me from others.

Just a thought.
Hm.

Wait another day

2009-04-26T09:57:00.002+08:00

Alright, gonna post a piece of work from me I've been wanting to write for a long time now. It's awhile since I put pen to paper (so to speak) so I hope I've still "got it". It's a song.

Johnny came by last night
He said susan and him had a fight
Beer and smoke in the mid-town air
I told him the devil doesn't play fair

In the Ford with the hood pulled down
Wind in our hair, Johnny looked like a clown
We were riding on the freeway to nowhere
I asked what we'd do when we get there.

"Maybe I just don' care;
Maybe I don' need a bed to share
Maybe I'd marry another girl;
Maybe my mind's in a swirl
Maybe I'll wait another day
Is there any better way?"

Midnight chimes, sipping drinks by the bar
Fifteen mugs but "drunk" was still far
Stores are closing in the down-town street
We're in no hurry to get on our feet

Liquor took our minds off things for abit
But Johnny was still thinking at his seat
He remembers all those things he said to her
Turned and asked me his only fear

"Maybe she just don' care;
Maybe she don' need a bed to share
Maybe she'd marry another man;
Maybe her things are already in the van
Maybe she'll wait another day
Is there any better way?"

"Maybe I just don' care;
Maybe I don' need a bed to share
Maybe I'd marry another girl;
Maybe my mind's in a swirl
Maybe I'll wait another day
Is there any better way?"

* * * * *

on The world's end and Paranoia

2009-04-23T11:07:00.002+08:00

Call me paranoid but I couldn't shake off the unsettling feeling yesterday when a storm raged though various parts of singapore.
Enough to make me pick up my phone and call randall saying - "Bro, if anything happens tonight, let's meet at bukit timah." I'm no end-of-the-world fanatic but somehow, the things happening in and around the world really points to something major happening soon. In singapore alone our monsoons are coming later, our "summers" later too. It's like the entire climate's gone to hell.

I'm not about to go crazy and start running arnd naked with 2 boards on me screaming "THE WORLD IS ENDING". (Tho the idea amuses me) But hey, the idea of 2012's world's end does have its scares even to a normal person.

*Shakes head*

Maybe too many computer games have got to me. Perhaps I'm just thinking too much.. I hope I'm right about that...

2009-04-20T09:09:00.002+08:00

So the checkup is complete and I got graded Pes D. "Temporary unfit for duty" for a period of 1 month while they check out a blood sample I gave.
I guess thats a blessing in disguise really. Life's not too shabby in the recent days. Friends and all that are slowly trickling in and I'm getting abit of a social life back.

Gonna try and see if I can organise a meet up with the SG players for a sort of "sending off party" before I leave for the army. Got quite a few members from SG in the faction now. Also gonna use this time to get ready for NS, both mentally and physically.

Gawd theres quite a few things on my mind.

2009-04-11T21:25:00.002+08:00

Holy macoroni. The health check up is in less then a week D: Golie!
Went out to the shops just now and got myself a handsock.
It looks good! D:!
Okay I like it. It' got these stripy things at where the hands are. Awesome <3
Anyway, I'm just about over with my youth days I guess. Once I hit army, its en route to young adulthood. Though I'd still be studying.
Life's kinda in a mess right now but I hope it'd all work out somehow.

For now, I'm taking it stone up as it hits. Lol.

2009-04-09T01:06:00.005+08:00

Loved this song guys. Amazingly sad song :(
Hope you peeps appreciate it as much as I do D:!

2009-04-08T10:51:00.002+08:00

So its been a couple of days since I updated.
Thinkin of retiring off GE quite completely.
Nothing much in that game interests me mch anymore.

Started dabbing into rappelz again. It's pretty fun as long as I dont get competitive.
Skills are harder to get there, so you actually have to work hard to see a cool new skill :D

Also, NS draws ever closer.
Am I ready for it?
No. I'm not.

GG me :D

Oh and I'm also on a lose streak on garena.
I shud really start stepping up my skills.

2009-03-28T11:32:00.002+08:00

Still on track in life, with NS drawing every so much closer.
Everything seems in their moderate state right now.
Life's not too interesting, but hey, that means no drama too.

Havent been thinking much of her.
More like, a faint memory I'm trying to forget.
I mean, sure, when I do think of her, it hurts alittle still, but I've almost totally stopped doing it.
I guess time does numb your wounds after all.
Faction work's a little better too.
Delegating a committee to specific tasks and what not.
Still overall leader though, but thats cause noone's willing to let me quit.

Sometimes the question does wonder about:
Am I a good leader?
If so, why? What have I done that makes me one?
If not, how more can I improve?

Drifting thoughts.

I need to do alot more workout. Been slacking about in the house a little too much or my liking.
Heading out tomorrow. Should be fun.
Ah well, back to faction admin work.
I dont get paid enough for this ~_~.
Oh yea, I keep forgetting- I dont get paid at all.

2009-03-23T11:49:00.002+08:00

Retirement my butt lols.
It's only my 4th day retired and I was forced out of it by half the faction crashing to the ground.
So oh well. Back to being a leader. Moment I got back its work work work and more work again.
Sometimes I wonder whether Im gaming or working an office job here.
So many admin work to do, so many issues to attend to.
Heck I dont get paid enough for this.
Oh wait. I dont get paid at all. GG ~_~

Ah well. Time to continue forging myself something that doesnt matter then.
Least this time I'd try to juggle it with a social life.

2009-03-18T11:07:00.002+08:00

Okay the food wasn't too bad. It's cheap, I've got to admit that. But it definitely wasnt the best I've eaten lols. Service wasnt the best, but it wasnt something to complain about. So I'd the the restaurant a 3/5 rating. Not a bad place for some budgetted sashimi devouring, but if you want the best tasting food, that is definitely not the place to go.

Also tendered a resignation to the faction yesterday.
Took a look back at life and realised that thanks to gaming, I've pretty much achieved nothing at all. At best leaving a short legacy that would have long been forgotten.
Spent too much time and effort in this game.

What will I do in the future?
Perhaps I'd pursue my dreams and dance.
Take a course in gaming, designing and what not, as long as its the creative industry.
I'm not even sure if I can enter the course. My points and track record arnet the prettiest.
But I'd leave till it comes.

But till then.
When will I find my soulmate?

On Nihon Mura and Sashimi

2009-03-16T18:15:00.002+08:00

Alright life's kind back to normal after a few hours of emo a handful of days ago.
Faction's still going strong as ever and I'm loving every moment leading them.
Yesterday was full of surprises as we went for a raid instead of war.
Turned out well though Anything faction came in the end and ruined it for us.
Otherwise, we had tonnes of fun.

Ezam's found this great place to catch a buffet at.
For S$17.90++ you can get a cool buffet that includes sashimi!
Perhaps other then the sashimi, the rest of the stuff is only mediocre, but hey, free flow of salmon-ey goodness at that price? What more can you ask for?
For those interested, I left the information of the place at the end of the post.

Alright enough of that, and back to GE (Yessum ^_^ I am a noh life gamer desu)
Going to start a tutorship programme with the faction soon.
Allocating members to "tutors" to improve their overall pvp skills.
Also going to motivate them to grind up the right characters so we can raid.
Hopefully everything works out. :D

Nihon Mura (Part of the Suki Group of Restaurants)
Jurong West Sports & Recreation Centre
20 Jurong West St 93 #04-01, Singapore 648965
Tel: 6795 9162

2009-03-14T07:22:00.002+08:00

Single for a month odd and counting.
I somehow am over that fact. Which is ironic, because the last time I was single and moderately-okay with it was when I was 14. And even then I was hoping some random female would pop up in my life.
Right now though, I have an honest lack of the opposite sex in my life. I go to work. See the same people. Come home and stare at a screen. Man, honestly. Where did all the bullcrap about meeting girls in random places go to.
I need to start going out more too.

Spend less on the game.
Get more of a social life.
The game stresses me out as much as life does -_-
Which is ironic, cause I'm supposed to relieve stress in a game, and get it from life. Not the other way around.
One of these days, I swear I'm gonna quit.
But till then, the leader's curse is still upon me.

On leaders and boards

2009-03-12T12:51:00.002+08:00

I almost laughed to myself looking back at the history of what I've been doing.
It seems that no matter which game I go to, nor the genre of the the game I play,
I end up leading some sort of an association in it.
Perhaps it's a lust for power, perhaps I'm a born leader.
Whatever it is, I'm happy about it. Despite my rantings(sometimes) about how being the leader is stressful, at the end of the day, everything's worth it.

My journey as a leader hasn't been easy. I come to realise that with every good leader, there is a team of others backing him up. Those people that make up his/her leadership panel.
Back in maple, there we people like Ezam, Yuri and whosoever else I cant really remember.
In Cabal I had Noobie and ice.
Right now here in GE, I got Tora and John.
Special mention also to randall, who's been by my side through everything I've been doing.
So here's to those special people who make me who I am!

Cheers!

2009-03-09T10:23:00.002+08:00

Gawd I love the guys in Sophistique.
After the war yesterday was so demoralized I took alot of it upon myself.
When I got home and started talking to them, I was so amazed the entire faction bunched together and supported me through it and cheered me up.
Cheers guys and thanks for standing by me.

War went awry yesterday when Anything decided to guard the colonies of our rival factions.
Too bad really.
But as the faction put it- We might not have a colony, but we have a community.
Amazing stuff really.

2009-03-08T12:01:00.001+08:00

Alright new skin up. Almost too happy for me and too simple too. But it'd have to do until I get more time to put into all of this. Cheerios!

2009-03-08T10:25:00.002+08:00

I should probably do up my blog a little more. It's rundown and pretty much backdated.
Time to get a new skin and stuff like that.

Couple of days passed enough. In a blink of an eye, another week passed.
Another week of my life spent gaming and working.
*laughs* talk about no life-ing.

I'm pretty happy now. Finally realised, if anything at all, I finally have people who's "Got my back"
Huge achievement *laughs*
Really glad to have em.

Dinah's been on my mind off and on these couple of days too.
No matter how I try to shake it off, somehow, in the night, when theres nothing to do but sleep,
She haunts me in my mind. I do wonder how she's doing right now, whether she is okay, still unhealthy, or whatever not. Gah, so many memories flood whenever I do think about it. It's asphyxiating- like someone clogged your nose with tissue or something, the air smells stale and warm and ur head swoons.

Other then that, I'm doing pretty much alright in life.
Army in a couple of months.
Will I be ready?

2009-03-02T20:18:00.002+08:00

Gawd its been ages since I blogged and wondering why I'm doing it now that noone comes and takes a look here.

Life's been another rollercoaster ride. And this time, i'm apart from Dinah. Broke up some two months ago.

GE's become integrated into my life, and I'm almost caught full time trying to bring up my faction. It's a tough job being the leader but I do it anyway. I feel responsible to the people here. Like a guardian watching over them.

Investing in GE become wholly a part of me with that commintment too.

Rightyo. Short little update. Have no idea what else to blog about.

Cheers peeps.

2008-10-23T10:10:00.001+08:00

Peeps, start appreciating teachers. Cause when you move on to Polytechnics and Universities, you're gonna miss em.
I realized(pretty much the hard way) that lecturers aren't teachers.(I know, it sounds "DUH!?" but it isnt, you'd know why when u reach this point)

Lecturers dont teach you. They go into class. Dump their expense of knowledge of their niche modules into you and you have to absorb it at the speed they are dumping. They have no knowledge on teaching. They dont know how to teach, and thats why they dont. What do I mean?

Simplest example. A lecturer would normally go at a pace way too fast for any normal person to catch up properly. You will need to bring whatever was given during the lesson home and analyse it for yourself before understanding. It's not so much so that they want to go at that speed(though sometimes they do, to catch up with time constrains) its more because they DONT know they are going too fast, and in a polytechnic, people usually accept this speed as part of the norm.

I miss teachers. =/
They bother about you.
If you fail, they worry, and they try to help u pass.
They nuture you, help you out. Lecturers srsly dont care a heck. They teach their classes, finish the paperwork and go home. If you turn up to classes, ok. If you dont, they send u an email and CC it to the office(they cc so that if u fail, they have an excuse)

When u dissapear for 2 days in sec/pri school, your teacher gets worried, they call you up and ask whats wrong.

You can go missing in poly for a whole week. Turn up to class an hour late, give the lecturer a shrug, tell him u just didnt feel like coming and he goes back to his lecture.

Life's bleak in polytechnics. Prelude to the "real world"

Appreciate your teachers while they last. Cause they dont.

2008-10-19T22:52:00.002+08:00

"I didn't bloody fucking know my feelings were fake. Well now I know. Thank you so much. Do you know how much i bloody love you more now? Like omg. And now teachers, come on, send me to the fucking General Office. Come on principal, come and accuse me of having a boyfriend and I'll fucking bring you a Ken doll from Barbie and bloody tell you I am in love with mannequins and then send me for counselling. I fucking love all of you and still bloody hate the world. And yes to all imbeciles out there, there's only 'fucking' and 'bloody' in my dictionary"

That was quoted from Dinah's blog.

Dinah is scary when she gets angry (which is [sadly for me] fairly often). She disregards whoever u are to her before she gets upset and shoots at everyone near enough or if she feels like it.

But her school is even more retarded. Apparently, they actively hunt out students who have a bf/gf and then take action against them. Which is retarded in anyway I see it. It's almost infringement of personal privacy which is illegal by law.

Without sounding immature, I understand the need for the school to protect their students from the threats posed by relationships. But this is taking to the extreme.

Well. Was reading through some of Dinah's old post and also reflecting on where we are so far.

Sadly enough. I feel a breakup coming soon. Dinah kinda has expectation of things. She expects her boyfriend to meet certain standards. Thats all normal. But she's an introvert ~~ Thats the problem. She doesnt say out those expectations and hopes that I can meet them without being told.

She has this mentality that if she told me, and I do it, it becomes fake and forced.

Thats still fairly managable a problem.

It gets worse on the fact that I'm really clueless to this relationship thing.

I'd be honest. I'm not giving my 100%. Perhaps 80-90%, but 100% is a no.

And it gets even worse on the fact that Dinah is a perfectionist. She expects things to be a 100%. 1 % off is a reason for her to get stressed or worked up.

And there comes more crap, our personalities crash.

Conclusion? GG Justin ~~"

Nothing else to do but pray. Cause when everything in reality points to a breakup, u look to the only thing thats beyond reality to point u to eternity.

2008-10-17T21:09:00.002+08:00

Happy post :D!
Ok dont ask me why I'm so awesomely happy today.
To be honest, its two main reasons.

I went to participate in my first ever raid today. :)
And we won it. I got a handful of great items.
Was really interesting and tactical. Lots of fun.
We had the chance to kill many many people and then finish of a boss.

At first, we almost all died. But one of our healers(scout) escaped and thru some great tatics, we revived, turned back and managed to turn the tide totally. :D it was so fun! I managed to pick off a few of the enemy in precise strikes. Went in, kill the elementalist and scout then run the heck out before they could attack me. It was so cool!

Well, as if that wasnt gonna make me happy enough, Dinah decided to be nice.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel retardedly silly.
It's such a small uneventful act from her, yet it makes me so happy.
For the first few times in the game, she addressed me as "dear" :O!
It just felt so happy and sweet within me :)!
Such is the power of love! Rawr!

2008-10-16T18:44:00.002+08:00

Yea...
She blew up today when she saw my blog.
Go figure really.
Honestly, this blog does her little justice.
Dinah's really nice(duh, why in hell do u think I am so much in love) its just that we sometimes quarrel.
When we DO quarrel, i usually end up here venting out my anger and stuff.

Look at it this way. For each blog entry abt her, is the amount of times we've quarrel this past year. That's enough to count with your hands.

Sigh. She's gone berserk and furious on me now because apparently, someone read my ranting and decided to confront her about it. Pushed her over the edge and boom.

Go figure my life.

So the drama.

2008-10-12T00:10:00.002+08:00

Ok, honestly, I seriously dont like the fact that I only post to complain abt relationship problems.
But I dont have much of a choice. Amira's busy, randall only "lol"s and doesnt really care. And I cant tell Dinah herself too, since she either responds by being upset about it, or denies it all together.

GAH!

I am so stressed out over her.

Ok, I understand girls crave attention, but she's getting abit out of hand.

She's currently upset because she claims that noone talks to her in GE.
The thing is, we DO talk to her, but sometimes when we're busy or doing other stuff we might overlook her chat.

Once that happens. She breaks out into this whole tamtrum thingy where she exagerates and says that she ALWAYS gets ignored and noone talks to her.

Its to the point that other ppl within the faction pms me and ask me what the hell i'm doing as a bf.

FREAK.

Getting extremely stressed over her whole attention craving and demands.

She expects every single person to spare 100% attention on her.

I mean, okay, for me, i dont mind. She IS my gf, i do love her and i wouldnt mind spending my time for her.

But sometimes i DO go afk.

Gah. I have no idea how to explain it.

Better left unsaid anywae.

*

Heck. least now that I've blogged it out, I feel better. Back to tolerating her tantrums.

*poof*

2008-10-04T09:30:00.003+08:00

Standing in the cold shower,
I'm lost for words again.
Those faded memories are coming back
Maybe its the moments,
We've lost ourselves this time.
Could it be, perhaps, it can, we may?

You told me just keep walking,
Everything is going fine
But didn't you tell me the same thing,
Before you broke the heart that's mine?

The sidewalks are crying, the heads are gently bowed
And the wind is ever blowing, can it stop for me?
Those broken promises and empty vows lay beneath it all
Can't you see I'm bleeding, and there's nothing to stop the flow,
These wounds have just closed and now you opened them.
I'm still waiting for the better days, the eternity you gave.

2008-10-04T08:24:00.002+08:00

I should never be in the same game as Dinah.

I read emotions alot.
Sometimes from body language, sometimes from tone of voice and recently from text or typing.

I cant read Dinah's.

She types in this "I'm sian diao" kinda way.

Lot's of -.-s and =.=s and zzzs and what nots.

Been really scared these few days. Dinah seems hell bent on ruining the relationship for me. I spoke to her mum abt it out of desperation. Her mum says its stress. I'm not so sure. This is deja vu all over. The last time she was on cabal, this happened. Then she broke up with me.

I might consider quitting GE because of this. The game is not worth losing Dinah. Why did I ever introduce her to it.

Scared.

2008-09-23T12:05:00.002+08:00

Alright been working on a GE blog recently and havent been able to lay an update on my main blog. Honestly though, my main blog needs a fresh coat of paint. I'm almost ashamed of it.
Not to mention the whiny posts prior to this. So anywae, the GE's blog up and running and hopefully I'd get blogspotted soon enough. *gulps* Sent the email, did the works, now all that remains rest on Hrin's hands.

She's the community manager of GE. To be honest, I'm pretty impressed by her. Was forumming for awhile on the GE forums. You have no idea how many whiny retards are on that forum. The politics system is corrupt too. Yet she keeps a positive attitude when replying to the posts. Sure, its her job requirement. But I somehow feel it comes naturally for her.

Well, nothing much to update about my life. No news is good news. *shrugs*

I'd leave u guys with a link over to me GE fan fic blog. Check it out peeps!

Click here to check out my GE blog!

2008-09-19T12:57:00.002+08:00

So here I am, posting again, pretty much cause my gf asked me to.

So here's some quickies.

-Got in a new(yea, the 6th i've tried this holiday season) game Granado Espada.
-Think I am addicted to it(finally) and will be playing it long term.
-Dinah has decided to be stylish, sexy and seductive. Two of which she already was.
-She got heels (yea, ZOMG)
-I'm doing up a blog with fanfic for GE's blogspotting event.
-Still looking for new blogskins
-Down with a serious case of sweatty feet and leaking nose.
-Irritated.
-Stop playing excessive amounts of Dota, hopefully without losing my touch.
-Still bored.
-Oh did I mention I have a lap top cooler now that soooooo helps? Now my lappie doesnt crash every time I urn off the air con.
-It also props up my lappie to a comfortable position
-I'm getting fat .__.

And... that's about it. I shall update a rap i made awhile ago. Soon enough. I guess.

2008-09-03T22:41:00.002+08:00

Okay, so I was reading through people's stuff before coming back to my own blog.

Freak, I sound like some whinny emo-boy.

Well mainly due to the fact that I usually only blog when I'm upset abt something.

Gosh, reading through the past few entries,

I really made Dinah look bad.

No, even "bad" is an understatement.

Dinah's nice =/ It's just that somethings she do is pretty dubious.

And no I'm not upset all the time. Count how often I blog. That's how often I'm upset in a month. =/

It's not very often at all.

I shall take this holiday period to try to revamp my blog. The skin's beginning to erk me, Cheers!

2008-08-30T13:06:00.002+08:00

She just cancel-ed plans to meet me today because she was "in a bad mood" and busy.

Feeling even more of that unyielding hollow feeling in my heart now.

She told me yesterday that the reason she hasn't been able to spend time with me was because I kept catching her "at the wrong times"

Ironically, what she doesn't realise is that I've been trying to spend time with her every single day of the past 2 weeks. Meaning its been the wrong time, every day, for 2 weeks too.

*sighs*

2008-08-30T12:36:00.002+08:00

*Sighs*

There seems to be this huge weight upon me today.
Recently, Dinah's been really really busy and unable to spend much time with me at all.
Either she's too busy to meet me up or when she does, she's vexed or stressed out by something that happened to her in the day.
In rare occasions where she isn't, she's too tired or "not in the mood".

*Shrugs*

I don't know what to do.
I'm doing everything I can already, all those "good boyfriend" stuffies.
I even spend almost 75% of my paycheck on her every month.
It's sad.

*Sighs more*

I guess this is called being love-sick then.
When your heart just folds upon itself and u get this focused but dull pain in the area where your heart is.
She's been busy for a long while straight now due to a competition.
Though I met her on thursday, she started having her period on the exact same day(much to my luck) and was really cranky and irritable.
Decided to cook for her since I had no more cash left (gave her my last $8 on the other day cause she had no money)
Spent my old bird-series notes to get some soup and made pasta.
Go pretty excited too,
Yet instead of a thanks, her first call to me when she reached the interchange was to grumble at me and ask me to go fetch her.
At that point my pasta was still cooking and I couldn't possible leave it to boil.
Told her about it, and got told off like I was bein lazy and an ass.
That hurt. Honestly.

I have no idea. The relationship is seriously taking a toll on me.
Sure, swear to God, I still love her as fiercely as ever,
Whenever we spend time together I still feel like its all worthwhile.
But somehow....
I feel taken for granted.

Perhaps its just this period of time that she's really busy.
Lets hope for better.

Moving on to the financial section.
This month's gonna be hit much much worse than the last, which was worse than the previous and that was worse than the one before.
Back since a year and half ago I started working.
I could dine out often, a few times a month.
I even got myself some new stuff, an expensive watch, a bag, some clothes, stationery, etc.
These few months have been horrible.
Month after month I keep telling myself to look forward to payday,
"Just aim to keep alive and fed till payday, then I'd get money and be richer"
Started budgetting, and stuff.
Yet I just keep getting worse off every single month.
I stopped eating out often, reduce from a couple times a month, to 2 times a month, to once.
I live off instant noodles and some other forms of TV dinner.
Been doing so for 2 months straight now.
Stopped being able to treat my friends.
Stopped travelling around so much.
Movies, I used to watch one evry week.
Now its only with Dinah.
And I just realised. I've been using the same bag for close to 2 years now. My clothes are bought by my parents and I have almost nothing much to be proud off.

Thought this month would be better since I had already bought her that $147(+$6 for other charges) But I realised, it won't be any better, already I had to snowball my bill from last month so I can buy food in the last week. So thats an additional 150dollars(3 month's bills) strained on my measly income, her birthday's coming and the day would at VERY least cost me a hundred(which pales to the 300+ i spent on vday).
No idea what to do.
Maybe I'd go get a second job to supply my income.
I used all my savings in the past few months. I hve very literally 0 savings now.

Told my mother about it a few days ago, about being poor.
She put this to me.
"The only reason you're poor is not because you cant support yourself, but because you are trying to support 2 people."

2008-08-20T21:24:00.002+08:00

Dinah's dress came 2 days ago.
Went over to collect it along with randall.
The girl who was passing me the items was caught in the rain and was so flustered.
She assumed I was female too.
Was amused.

That aside.
Me and randall designed a new game.
It's called Warp!™
An interesting game tt allows players to shift the terrain as they venture forth in their games.

That aside too.

The more important thing I'm blogging about.
...
I think I might have..
It's not important now.

2008-08-16T10:53:00.002+08:00

I cant help but think that Dinah is getting bored of me.
Like some child, given a new toy, then months after, whn the toy isnt new anymore, she gets bored of it.
Or at least,
She seems completely disinterested in me.
In capoeira, a passion and something I dedicate time to.
In gaming, my form of rest, my addiction and the most time spending thing I have.
In scripting, something I did for randall, my natural flare.
In the shows I watched, the animes, and the stuff in it.
In romance, which I pour upon her. The sweet nothings that would have been magic in the other relationships, are meaningless and cheesy to her.
In my school modules, my interests.
In everything that defines me, she is completely disinterested.
I dont know how to react to this.
Perhaps I havent been the best of listeners too.
But I'm still giving my all into keeping the relationship afloat.
Maybe that too is just an excuse I use for myself.

More of life's ironies.
Amos is having relationship problems too.
He's going out with a primary 6 girl.
At the start, she said she loved him.
He stupidly believed it.
Believed that a 12 year old can truly love.
When he called me to talk abt it, I laughed at his foolishness and offered him the most sensible advice:
Stop wasting your time, break up with her.
I know now what he feels.
And honestly.
I wouldn't even take my own advice.

Just yesterday, me and jun were talking abt amos.
We both laughed and called him naive.
Looking back.
Am I laughing at myself without knowing it?
A kettle calling a pot black.
Am I the same as amos?
Naive enough to believe Dinah when she tells me she loves me?
Dinah is 15, I'm 18. Amos' girlfriend is 12, he is 15.
We both have 3 years a gap in between us and our other halves.
Is he just a younger version of me?

Funnily enough.
After every quarrel, I look into myself.
Asking, Do I love her?
Perhaps 6 months ago, the answer would have been shaky.
An unsure voice telling myself I do, probably me trying to psycho myself into believing something that isn't true.
Now?
The answer is firm.
I do.
Unlike amos,I wouldn't be calling anyone asking for advice whether or not I should break up with Dinah.
I can't lose her, she still is my everything.

My heart's aching right now; my mind torn by thoughts.
Why is my heart aching...?
I'm in love arent I?
Shouldnt it be full and happy?
Why does it hurt so much...

"I promised you eternity of that I still shall stand.
But why is my heart shattering, at every single bend?"

2008-08-13T14:06:00.003+08:00

You cry out your pain

But noone hears you

The muted calls of the ones around

In the world.

Maybe we've all got frozen hearts.

Another gunshot rung

Just another body bag,

Does anyone really care at all?

Tonight.

Where is my salvation?

2008-08-12T02:40:00.002+08:00

Got this from Dinah's blog, thought it was cool so i decided to do it.
Dont ask about the jump of questions. Dinah didn't include them, and I just copy pasted.
Ironic. She kinda omitted the questions she didnt wanna answer or didnt have an answer to =/

40 little Secrets: Be honest no matter what.

[ONE] Who were your last 3 texts from?
Amos, Amos, Dinah

[TWO] Where was your default pic taken?
In a chalet whilst hugging Dinah

[THREE] What's your middle initial?
euqinU

[FOUR] Your current relationship status?
Attached & Contented.

[FIVE] Does your crush like you back?
Like, definitely. Love. Most probably.

[SIX] What is your current mood?
Amused

[SEVEN] What's your mom's name?
Nancy

[EIGHT] What color shirt are you wearing?
Black

[NINE] Would you kiss the last person you kissed?
I intend to for the rest of my life.

[TEN] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Time wasnt meant to be redone. No, I'm happy with everything now.

[ELEVEN] Have a crazy side?
Extremely

[THIRTEEN] What is something you do a lot?
Game. ALOT of time on it.

[FOURTEEN] Angry at anyone?
Nope. Rarely.

[FIFTEEN] Do you wanna see somebody right now?
Of course. Dinah

[SIXTEEN] Do you like drama?
Very much so. Drama rules my life! Both scripted and unscripted.

[SEVENTEEN] When was the last time you cried?
A day ago, while watching a video how God's promise. LAMININ, PEOPLE, LAMININ!

[EIGHTEEN] Who would you do anything for?
God.

[NINETEEN] Who is your hero?
My father, he can do just abt anything, and he knows everything.

[TWENTY] What is the one thing you notice first with the opposite sex?
Her face

[TWENTY-FIVE] Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Yea ^^" I have an inner child thats active.

[TWENTY-SIX] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Vanilla coke, its what I had in the fridge. =/

[TWENTY-SEVEN] Do you speak any other languages?
Chinese, Malay, Japanese, Hokkien.

[TWENTY-EIGHT] What's your favorite website?
My girlfriend's blog. (Say it with me. "Sssttaaaallllkkeerrrr!~")

[TWENTY-NINE] Describe your life.
Like no other.

[THIRTY] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
No thank you. Though its a romantic idea.

[THIRTY-ONE] Do you like the rain?
Nope. It ruins my hair.

[THIRTY-TWO] What are you thinking about right now?
"My nose is leaky" <.<

[THIRTY-THREE] What should you be doing right now?
Revising for an upcoming exam

[THIRTY-FOUR] What is your favorite memory?
I keep all memories precious. My best would probably be the day I came back to God.

[THIRTY-FIVE] What are you listening to?
An oldie on Dinah's blog, which is running in the background. (yea, i get it. stalker.)

[THIRTY-SIX] Who was the last person you told I love you to?
Dinah.

[THIRTY-SEVEN] Who was the last person you yelled at?
Wei peng

[THIRTY-EIGHT] Do you act differently around the person you like?
No, I am who I am, she likes me for that. No facades and pseudoes here.

[THIRTY-NINE] What is your natural hair color?
Black

[FORTY] Who was the last person to make you smile?
Dinah, but once, she made me smile so hard my cheeks cramped for 2 days.

2008-08-07T22:13:00.003+08:00

Perhaps I need a break.
Can't believe I'm saying this myself.
But I've been thinking.
And maybe thats the best course of action.
It's not that I love her any less, in fact I still do love her loads.
It's just that this relationship..
It's stressing me out.
It's the one thing in my life I cant make right.
Like for my studies, hectic as the problems are, I still can plan it, and overcome the stress.
Dota can be improved,
Financial problems can be solved,
Other stuff too.
Yet this one...
No matter how I change, how I keep tolerating and adapting it just doesnt work out.
I think I'm at fault to some point too.
I know I shouldnt be looking at it from a self centered point of view:
I did this for her, I waited for her, I blah blah I this I that.
But sometimes I just cant.
I'm still only human after all =/ (<<< excuse)

No idea how to break it to her.
I dont want her to get the wrong idea.
I do love her.
But I just need a moment away from her.
Bring the flames of passion away from the winds of argument,
Let it recuperate, reignite.

Funnier thing still
I think I'm falling more and more in love with her everyday.

2008-08-06T23:21:00.002+08:00

Exams are coming up fast.
Begun studying for them (yea, zomg, i'm studying! !D=)
Rushed my entire SQL (database stuff, peeps. Database stuff.) lessons in 4 hours in the LAN.
2mr's my Database test. I hope I do well for it.
I can clear the entire practical part fairly easily with some cock-ups along the way.
But the SQL bit.
Is gonna be hard.
I mean I get it and stuff.
But I still cant tackle any of the harder stuff since I missed my main tutorials.

In other news, I've taken to liking Capoeira.
It's a brazillian rhythm-based martial arts.
Extremely wild and unpredictable.
It takes a hell lot more energy than the other martial arts too.
Unlike akido, it takes strength. Good news, it's kick and fly techniques cant be reversed by akido's strike-reversal techniques.
Unlike Taekwondo its kicks are masqueraded in dance moves. It also has an edge against Taekwondo since its unpredictable moves are mainly focused on dodging attacks.
Unliek Muay Thai, which attacks are fast and strong, but short in distance, Capoeira's hits are long in range and usually followed immediately by a move that would dodge incoming hits.
Praticing it is a bitch though.
The flips and kicks requires alot of flexibility and strength.
I'd be amazed if I can get through a few of the basic kicks.

2008-08-04T09:59:00.002+08:00

"You really have to stop being so soft before one day, all that you've been building will come crumbling. z. not like I can prevent this. Maybe I'm really mad"

She smsed me that.

A hint that she might break up with me.

I guess this time the ball's in her hands.

Redid the personailty test.
Good news is that my anti-social disorder went down significantly.
I'm also no longer schizic and stuff.
Bad news is that I'm still a "Very High" for histronoia, which in essence should be expected really.
I am more paranoid than I used to be, no thanks to the initial breakup which followed up with Ice's betrayal and stuff.

Go figure.

I can take another breakup.

2008-08-04T01:20:00.002+08:00

Okay I sometimes really cant stand Dinah.
Especially when she gets all self conscious about stuff.
We just had a minor quarrel (again) when she decided to go shopping.
I don't know.
She just turns all... Like... defensive about everything.
No, I dont love her any less because of it, in fact I still love her loads and would rather back off rather then lose her again.
But its just... Disturbing.
We definitely need to work this out if we intend to go far.

Addicted to this game on new grounds called Amorphous+
It's addictive and retarded!
Really.
Lovely sense of humour,
Fun gameplay
and all shorts of stuff.
Got Amos and Dinah to play tt game too.
It's pretty much a time waster game if you have spare time.

Oh well.
Time to head to the showers and call it a day.
Cheers

2008-07-30T20:47:00.002+08:00

Just quarrelled with Dinah.
I guess it was my fault.
She was stressed and sought solace from me on the phone.
I shot back at her the same way she shot at me when I was stressed.
=/
Why?
I don't know.
Anger I guess? At how she treated me when I was stressed.
Vengeance?
I guess so.
But still, it remains my fault, two wrongs do not make a right.
Moreover, I should've comforted her, she needed to space out, catch her breath.
More points to work on upon myself.
Guess I'd bring her to a movie she wanted to watch-The love guru, to make up for it.

September 15th draws ever closer.
I wonder what I should do.
It's Dinah's birthday and I wanna put a huge bang into it.
Nothing ordinary, I want it explosive.
A large few things to consider.
First of which is budget.
Dont wanna be spending the 300 odd I did on vday.
Sunrise. I know she likes that.
I dont. I find it pointless and retarded to wait hours for the sun to rise, which it does every single day.
But I guess I'd make a sacrifice for her on her bday.
Plans. I need a nice restaurant to dine in.
She doesnt really bother abt the restaurant though. Dinah isn't into Fine dining as much as I am.
-
Ok did my research. 15th is a Friday, which is good news.
-
Hm.
Ok. I got most of the plans down.
I shall get her from school, send her home. Wait patiently for her to change, and head off to Dinner. Then head to see the sunrise. Mmhmmm. That's what I'd do.
Oh and not to mention the myraid of other surprises I'm gonna throw in, in between all those events.
-
Okay presents. I need to find the present to give to her. I have no idea whatsoever what to get.
Which means...
Time to ring up Amira and ask for her help.
-
Really need to budget these two months if I'm to have enough for the bday.

2008-07-27T18:06:00.002+08:00

Okay these few days have been rather interesting.
In the LAN now with Dinah looking from my lap.
She's apparently tired out and decided to seek refuge by lying on me.
Amazingly cute.

So Amos came over yesterday to sleep.
Managed. to smuggle in Dinah too.
Nothing that shouldn't have happened happened though.
So keep ur imaginations to yourself.

On to today. Woke at arnd 8 in the morning and Dinah decided she was too lazy to head to the 9am service.
So we headed off for breakfast (originally Loy Kee's Best Chicken Rice, but we settled for hawker instead)
After which we sent Dinah off on her way and I managed to psycho Amos into heading to church with me.
Funny thing about heading to church.
It's the one thing the demons inside be cannot persaude me into not doing.
Once I get the idea in my head, little shifts it far enough for me to decide not to.
Oh anywae, managed to somewhat, bring Amos back to Christ.
Somehow mustered enough courage to approach the pastor to pray for him.

Funny enough thing.
I needed a prayer too.
But noone exactly approached me for it.
Neither did I make much friends.
Truth to be told, I feel rather alienated in the church.
A nobody.
Just another person attending the church.
I dont know.
It's pretty weird.
I usually socialise alot.
I stand out.
Now I'm just another statistic. =/

Ironic

2008-07-22T23:17:00.002+08:00

Had training today.
Then the way home heard two girls talking on the bus about their boyfriends.
Struck a chord.
Spoke to Dinah abit about what she thought about our relationship.
Got my heart slightly slashed by her replies and decided to call my psychologist friend again.

Here's the convo, found it wise.

D- What's up this time?

Me- What do you mean "what's up this time" you make me sound like i only call you when I have problems.

D- Dont you?

Me- Okay fine, you win.

D- *Laughs to himself* Wait let me guess. It's Dinah?

Me- Fuck, stop psycholoanalysing me.

D- I'm not, you only sound this upset when it's something about Dinah. Go on, what happened
this time?

Me- I think I'm taking this too seriously.

D- You are.

Me-*sarcastically* Thanks for the vote of confidence yea?

D- No problem, but why the sudden thought?

Me- Well, I asked her some stuff, she gave me the impression that she doesn't even think the relationship is gonna last. *proceeds on to tell him about the details*

D- Well done smartass, she's fifteen you know.

Me- yea that's what she told me too.

D- Great minds think alike.

Me- The other great mind happens to be dangling my heart on a string here. Oh c'mon, you dont have to add to that.

D- Well okay fine, how do you want me to help?

Me- No idea, you always have good advice.

D- Do you love her?

Me- Uhuh.

D- So why do you care whether or not she treats it seriously? You give your all in the relationship and hope for the best. Relationships don't come with a guarantee, their arent a product you buy.

Me- Still, its pretty harsh to think that it might end someday.

D- So end it now.

Me-SIAO! I worked so hard to change and get her back, siao ahs?

D- See? You said it yourself.

Me- Fuck stop brain-fucking me.

D-I like it... Okay back to topic. Dude, relax. If I know you like I do, you'd be fine. Give it your all, give her everything you have to offer, and do what you think love is to you. At the end of the day, if eventually you two really do break up, you'd know you've given everything you had, and there's nothing else more you could have done. Besides, if she really dumps you cause she wants to play around, then she isn't meant for you.

Me- That sucks.

D- If life didn't suck we'd all be flying around in space.

Me- Wtf, corney! COOORRNNNEEEEYYYY. Well thanks a bunch. That helped alot.

D- You're lucky you're my friend. I'd frikkin charge you to death otherwise for calling me at this time.

*and yada yada yada, we went to talk abt other stuff and i ended up feeling better.*

Thanks a bunch dude, if you read this. Well, thanks anywae, even if you don't. I owe you one... wait... actually I probably owe u a gazillion, but heck, who's counting.

2008-07-20T19:01:00.002+08:00

hello world, my girlfriend just tagged me to do a blogquiz that will kill my main brain cells and oh well, so be it. muahaha. i didn't type this >:)
(<.< Dinah typed that.... weirdo.==v)

It's harder than it looks!
Copy and paste to your own journal, erase my answers, and add your own.
Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
They have to be real places, names &/or objects, and nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person you got this from has the same 1st initial.
You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.
And Have Fun With It!!!
AND TAG 5 PEOPLE TO DO THIS!

J... Hm....

1) 4 LETTER WORD: Jolt

2) BOY NAME: Jeremiah.

3) GIRL NAME: Juliet

4) OCCUPATION: Jailer

5) A COLOR: Jade

6) SOMETHING YOU WEAR: Jeans (Dinah says jumpsuit. emo -_-)

7) BEVERAGE: Juice

8) FOOD: Jam (can't believe I googled this)

9) SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM: door. (LOL.)

10) A PLACE: Jacob's Marketplace (For those sua ku(s) who don't know this place, head to Raffles city B1. It's a supermarket)

11) REASON FOR BEING LATE: Jerking off (==v at all guys out there.)

12) SOMETHING YOU SHOUT: J0R! (LoL@Xinyi/Jason)

13) A SHOW THAT YOU WATCH: Johnny Bravo (=D!!!!!)

I tag...

1) Coel (who doesn't have a blog, but knows i have one and reads it)
2) Hui en (who HAS a blog, knows i have one and sometimes reads it)
3) wei peng (who has a blog I don't know about, know i own one too, whether he reads it, i don't know)
4) Soranokira (who HAS a blog, has already been tagged so now he needs to give 2 answers to each question)
5) you? (if you bother)

2008-07-16T15:22:00.002+08:00

Been swamped badly by project works during this period.
The end of the year is coming and the workload just increases and increases.
Just managed to clear one of the most pressing projects today.
A HUGE breath of relieve I tell ya.

Aside from that, i'm pretty much stressed out.
More so on relationship reasons and project works rather then the other matters.
I seem to have so little time.
Back in secondary school you would sit in school and wait desperately for the weekend.
Now in poly, you sit there hoping the weekend don't come, signalling another end of a week and another week closes to project submission dates and stuff like that.

Relationship wise, things are going awry too.
I've been too busy for her and when I do get the time to converse with her over the phone I'm usually stressed out.
Thing is, Dinah doesn't like people who are stressed.
She finds them somehow... irritating.
So there goes the whole "talk to our girlfriend,isn't she the only one u have?" thing.
It's not that she doesnt wanna help or anything.
I don't wanna put pressureon her too, she might be suffering from her own reasons of stress.

*

So i've been trying pretty hard to be a good guy and all and be understanding.
But somehow no matter how hard I try. I just can't get introverted people.
Introverted people tend to keep problems to themselves.
They find being alone safer and that the world is a dangerous place.
I get most of that.

But I don't get how I cant help them if they dont speak about their problems.
Spoke to a psychologist friend of mine.
He told me that we just don't help out.
They don't want us to help, they wanna be left alone to sort out their own problems.

I guess so.

But I feel so lost. I want to help her.
Like when she's sad I want to be ther for her.
I want to show her that I care and that I love her and that things will be okay.
But whenever Dinah get tired or grumpy or stressed she just pushes me away and acts as if she doesn't love me at all.
The first few times were alright, but subsequently, they were starting to hurt.
Alot.

Spoke more to the psychologist.
He's married and all. So he must know love.
He asked me told me this.

"What you percieve about love is what is love to you. What she percieves as love is what it is to her. What both of you think love is about, might not be the same.'

"You think love is about two parties willing to make sacrifices for each other to make a relationship work. From what I've heard about the both of you, she percieves love as something natural and perfect, and that if she is love with someone she's supposed to, she doesnt have to change and everything will work out perfectly. Noone's in the wrong, its just a matter of perception."

I don't know how I react to this... It's no wonder why I feel insecure all the time.
I'm at a lost right now.

If I carry on like this...

Things aren't working out... they just arent.

2008-07-15T09:18:00.001+08:00

Hm, decided to make another TFT. Have fun doing it. =/

Create your own Friend Test here

2008-07-13T03:02:00.002+08:00

I'm liked pissed the fuck off now.
My brother decided to get his bunch of friends over to camp the night through.
So I reached home at around 12.30am. Apparently, they tried to cook 5 packets of instant noodles in a shot. Then blend enough ice milo for the 4 of them.
Yea, you guessed it. They managed to blow up half the kitchen into some warped chaos.

Additionally. Both aircons are blaring, the table sheets are dirty as hell, and the lights were all lit up. GAH!
So anyway, I went on the play my game. They were watching a movie on the couch and stuff. By the time I finished my game, a friend of theirs was on my frikking bed, sleeping and snoring away happily.

Okay, i'm VERY particular of my bed stuff. Like my pillow and stuff.
VERY particular.
I dont wanna be planting my face where some other guy decides to lay his slick oily wax-stiffened hair into. Oh did I mention he also stunk like some niagrian wildebeast!?

GAH.

CMI.

I'm just hopping mad.
I mean. Okay. Mess up the house which I've kept tidy for a week.
Okay, waste all the damned power which I've been trying to save for a damn week too.
Okay, finish my entire pack of instant noodles.
Okay, use up all the ice which I wanted to use.

But DONT FUCKEN SLEEP ON MY BED WHEN UR A FRIKKEN DIRTY BITCHWHORE!.

Gah! I don't even let Dinah sleep on my bed without showering.
So pissed off I cud hit the guy with a chair if I wasn't mild-tempered.
I'm like controlling my rage right now.

SOOOOOOO close to blowing up.

Fuck.

2008-07-03T14:02:00.002+08:00

Watched an amazing movie made about the enviroment.

It is AMAZING.

Honestly.
Anyone who wants to see it, drop me a msg on my msn (remnants.dawn@live.com) and I'd send it to you.
It's so uber cool.

--

In other stuff, I'm on this sashimi eating rampage.
Met Dinah on tuesday. Gobbled up at least 40 slices or more of sashimi at Sakura.
Then had more sashimi(not as good) from sushi deli yesterday.
Tomorrow, I'm headed to a restaurant with the guys to get a sashimi buffet.
Wootage.
Somehow?
I'm not even sick of it.
I'm actually still drooling over the prospects of tomorrow.

Can't wait.
Though my wallet is screaming at how much of a diet its going.
=/ Go figure.

Moments for now.

2008-06-30T15:16:00.003+08:00

Life is falling into place.

Like some clockwork mechanics.

Having that's supposed to work this way and that way is working as it is.

I'm actually still in awe of how far RoD has came along.

Team 1 is actually pretty good.

We're actually good enough to be considered a competition team.

Though they lack experience.

My results in school aren't bad either.

I hit an A+ for both my database and engineering mechanics classes.

Passed the rest.

Need to start looking over my finances.

Getting extremely broke spending madly over stuff.

Ah well. Least life's good.

Better enjoy it whilst I can.

Moments like these don't last (I somehow still tend to believe they do though)

I got a poem this post. Here's to those who missed my poetry. This one's pretty.

Moments for now.

If you had a moment, would you make it last?

Not all moments are forever, don't you let it past.

For these memories are eternal, let's take it step by step.

So get lost within your thoughts, but don't forget to bring a map.

We might live see a hundred, but most of us live it blind.

Why not open up our closed eyes, it's like we've opened up our mind.

You could see the ocean's blue hue, or hear it's simple lullaby

Take a breathe and live the moment, let the soft breeze help you fly!

-Justinian

2008-06-26T00:13:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder this is all worth anything.

I'm working so hard to keep the relationship afloat.
I changed totally for her.
I'm willing to give up anything for her, yes, even those things I treasure the most.
But honestly,
I don't see her doing the same.

It's like, she doesn't really bother if we break up again or something.

Guess it might be my fault too.
I gave her the impression that the person solely at fault for the break up was me.
Perhaps it was, I don't know.
But nonetheless it hurts to know she hardly cares for "us"
Like it all rests of me to make sure it works out.

Read somewhere that relationships were about making sacrifices.
The more in love you are with someone, the bigger a sacrifice you'd make.
Like that's why some people are willing to give up their careers for their partners.

I don't see that in our relationship.

Like, I know Dinah's a good girlfriend and all.
Like she would sometimes do the cutest stuff that makes me go all soft inside.
Or how she would kiss me and turn me to jelly.
Yet at times, she does things that...

Ok, I can understand that some people are stubborn.
But hey, she won't even budge for the very smallest of things.
Like if she set her mind into something, she doesn't care who you are to her.
She just doesnt budge.

Getting abit taxing.

I promised myself I won't edit this post away.
Actually, this is the 4th time I'm typing something like this.
Always ended up editting it away before it stains my mind.
Guess I'm gonna have to live with reality.
It's getting hard to live in that broken dellusion.

2008-06-24T23:45:00.003+08:00

Nothing major to blog abt these few days.
Guess life's about back to normal, without the drama.
Still trying to work out being a good boyfriend.
Actually for that matter, I'm trying to be a good dota player too,
And not compromise my studies whilst at it.
Nor my girlfriend.
So yea.
In short.
Perfectionist.

Gosh its really not easy.

Dinah having some weird rash on her ever since she came over. And it refuses to go away.
It's been 3 days.
I'm worried for her but she refuses to go to a doctor, putting school work above her own body.
=/
I don't wanna bother too much, lest she says I'm nosing into her business again.
Gah.
I feel like her mum FGS(for god's sake).

Sigh, girlfriends are harder to please then I thought <_<
Especially Dinah.
She's not the bimbo type that gets happy just when u spurge on her or kiss her or tell her u love her or something.
She's intelligent.
She knows what she wants.
Trying to give her that <.<

I tried so hard to get her back.
No frikkin way I'm gonna let her go again.

No frikkin way.

-Post editted-

2008-06-16T17:39:00.002+08:00

Okay, moi ish on cloudniner-niner-sixty-niner pl0x.

Rofl.

In english, I'm happy as can be lols.

Me and Dinah, officially got back together.
Thank you Jesus.
And heck, i'm not gonna motar this last chance of mine.
No frikking way.

Yesterday was great lols.
Though I worked 15 hours in a row <.<
I had Dinah accompany me for most of the day.
We kissed alot(like seriously)
And then everything went fine.

Training was fruitful, spotted alot of their mistakes
Though Dinah got bored and fell asleep.
Once she did, I got the guys to quieten down(was really funny)
And ran off to get her dinner before she awoke.
It was hilarious please.
When I got back, the guys were whispering to each other, literally.
I was so amused I though I would burst out laughing lols.

She stayed over at my house anywae.
Apparently, this time i managed to control myself pretty much.
Didn't grope her (much =x)
And we generally only kissed for 15 mins or so before we fell asleep, her in my arms.

My life's perfect enough already.
Thank you Jesus.

Butterfly

2008-06-14T22:17:00.003+08:00

Today's one of my off days I guess.
Thinking too much, courtesy of my mum.

Anywae.
I've been trying not to think about it.
And now that I have.
It's a haunting subject.

I need her.
She doesn't need me.
I love her.
She doesnt love me, no, not in that sense.

I feel like.
No, its not even a feeling. It's the truth.
I'm an expandable resource.
One to be regret over if lost, maybe missed.
But not irreplacable.

I'm not thinking too much.
I didn't presume.
It's true.

Like... My entire happiness is balancing precariously on a string of which she has both ends.
I feel helpless.
And yet, even though so.
I can't help it but put all I have into her.

I'm literally killing alot of what I used to be, changing so much so I can't really see any part of me.
I do hope this is all worth it...
I hope so...

Butterfly
(Inspired by Jason Mraz's Butterfly)

Butterfly oh butterfly, flutter while you can
The nets of pain and sorrow, are just around the bend.
Your wings are tired and sore, their colours faded off.
But don't you give it up, and greet the whisper soft

Butterfly oh butterfly, can you hear my call?
The birds are all around you, but don't you ever fall
Your will is almost broken, its final struggle halts
But can't you see that sunrise? Amongst a million faults.

-Justinian

2008-06-13T11:48:00.004+08:00

Ok, Dinah?
Is officially one heck of a sexy ass.
And extremely seductive too. Gawd.
Ok, no details for you peeps. (too bad, go get ur own hottie)

On a hindnote though,
Saw her in a sassy outfit yesterday for the first time.
Damn, she can sure as hell carry off that look.
Sassy stuff. Wootage.

I think by the time she's done with me,
I'd be reduced to some blobbing piece of rubber melting on the floor.
But heck, I'd love it just the same.

--

Went to church too anyway,
More amazing stuff.

Got uber rigged by this video I saw.
Holy crap lols.
You guys heard of a protein called laminin?
Well, me neither.

So here's an intro to this amazing little protein.

Laminin is the major non-collagenous component of the basal lamina, such as those on which cells of an epithelium sit.[1] Basically, laminin is a protein found in the "extracellular matrix", the sheets of protein that form the substrate of all internal organs also called the "basement membrane". It has four arms that can bind to four other molecules. The three shorter arms are particularly good at binding to other laminin molecules, which is what makes it so great at forming sheets. The long arm is capable of binding to cells, which helps anchor the actual organs to the membrane.
The laminin protein is made up of three separate parts, called the A, B1, and B2 chains. That gives it a total of six "ends", which accounts for a lot of its flexibility in connecting up various kinds of molecules. Because of this, scientists who create biomaterials are extremely interested in the whole family of laminins. They are a family of glycoproteins that are an integral part of the structural scaffolding in almost every animal tissue. Laminins are secreted and incorporated into cell-associated extracellular matrices.
Laminin is vital to making sure overall body structures hold together. Improper production of laminin can cause muscles to form improperly, leading to a form of muscular dystrophy. It can also cause progeria.

That was the wikipedia explanation of laminin. Too much to read.(and thus i reduced it to an unreadable size rofl)
So in essence, its a protein that binds our body together.
You ever wonder why our fingers are attached to our hands and our heads to our necks?
Or even our skin to our flesh?
Or perhaps why our organs don't all fall to our feet but instead stay suspended in our body?
Yup, its this magical protein. Laminin.
The glue of our body. The thing tt keeps us, more or less, alive.

So whats so impressive about this protein?
Well, wait to you see this amazing protein.
Here guys, is the actual scientific view of the amazing protein.
Scroll down.

Amazing huh?

Angel o'er my heart.

2008-06-10T20:43:00.003+08:00

Today was simply amazing,
No not today.
These past few days.
Blessed be the Lord, for he has granted me my wish.

Okay, hopes high aside, I should really tone this down so incase its just be thinkin to much, I don't come crashing back to earth.
Least I know now that she hurts when I do too. (Cmon, lets hear it: "Awwwwww"(yea~ ^^) )

Plus, things are still delicate and I'm still not ready yet.
So yea (:
We're good now,
But we're not back together (:

In anycase, thanks to her,
I think I just wrote my (yes, THE VERY) best love poem ever. Fwee~
I don't know.
I was just reading it, and found tt it was amazingly good =D
It's not everyday I get inspirationg as smooth as this =O
Coolness!

Inspired by, dedicated to and written for: Dinah, the angel o'er my heart.

Angel o'er my heart.

Angel o'er thy heart, yee have swept me of my feet.
On that silent night when, our fates would us meet.
Keeper o'er thy soul, yee have captured all my love
Like silver drops falling, from the heavens way above.

Siren o'er thy song, yee whose voice I long to hear.
A symphony of morning bells, and a maiden on the pier.
Lover o'er thy life, yee whose hands I long to hold.
To the end of time and more, and again a thousand fold.

-Kiroshinoke

Noobienated

2008-06-09T13:28:00.002+08:00

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best day ever,
Yesterday would have came out 8.
Great day, pretty much fun.
Well to be more exact, the night.

Yea~ I got to get a hug from Dinah yesterday night.
During the hug, all the emotions kept behind all flooded out.
Amazing thing is, it didnt hurt, it felt soothing.
Her hugs are amazing band-aids =O
Really =o!

Okay then the guys and me went out to slack off at Chambers.
We dota-ed till like 3.30am, had loads of fun, laughter, and all around good training.
They are improving alot.
No longer the stupid losers we once were.
We actually gave a real professional team a hard time.
We still lost though, it was good experience.

Then after that we went out and slacked.
Now that I don't have Dinah, I don't have a reason to stop smoking.
So I was smoking outside chambers.
And we started joking abt winston being a giant cigarette.
Loads of fun and laughter.
Teasing arnd and stuff.
Almost forgot how long ago it was that I had such... "boy-ish" fun.
Ah its good to be simple.
=)

Walked arnd abit more at 5am. Decided to get a pack of cards and play.
We played dai di.
10cents a card =D
I won $2.10, but we decided to call the debt off.
Winston fell asleep on the bench, so we decided to prank him,
Left him sleeping there and we all ran away.
Wasn't till 10 mins later that he awoke in panic and called us.

Went for breakfast after that, treated the team to you tiao and milo/bandung/teh-peng
I started getting high and went on the make fun of them with song parodies.
Really good day all in all. Ah life's like that ;)

Noobienated(The RoD Theme song)
-Underscoreboard confessionals

My life dangles on a string
Like oh my god I'm dying
Feeding here and feeding there
Those mapletards has ownt my ass.

And pawn me hard
Those, leet retards, and some heartless farts,
I am emo now, I am

{Chorus}
Noobienated
I am stupid
I am Dumb
I am noob
I swear
I'm noob
Swear I knew it all along
And I am dead, and I will die again so fast
I am hiding in the bush so dont pawn my ass again

So noob
Like a nerd dating a bimbo
The whole date he play PSP
She wants vodka, he wants milk
Those mapletards could pawn his ass.
And rendered him
So emo now,and so stupid now
I am certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn on the windwalk on ur list
Hurry, you gonna die like this
And be a noob until forever

Your life is paper thin
Just one touch and you'll be dead
Too thin now to ever fight against the 'pponents
So let me feed away
So let me feed away
So let me feed away
So let me feed all my opponents
So let me feed away
So let me feed away
So let me feed away
So let me feed away

{Chorus}

My life dangles on a string
Like oh my god I'm dying...